the new year

Well, probably like every other blogger currently posting, I am dedicating this entry to the New Year. I might even add a few New Year's resolutions if I'm feeling exceptionally cliche. Ahhh...New Year celebrations bring back lots of memories. I probably only remember the past New Year parties because they were the only times I was allowed to stay up until midnight. We would usually have some family with us, crowd around our little tv to watch the ball drop on Time Square, drink sparkling white grape juice from plastic wine glasses, and scream, dance around, and pop balloons to welcome the new year. Usually at least one kid would have fallen asleep on the couch, and we merited the joy of shaking them awake and dumping them on the floor so that they could enjoy the holiday too.
And I know, half of you reading this are shaking your solemn heads and thinking, "It's just another day--so what if it's part of 'the new year' (Ooooh i can just hear the sarcasm dripping in your voice!) It's no different than anyother day--it's just a date change...we don't celebrate every night when the date changes, blah, blah, blah...)
Well, stop shaking your heads all you party poopers! Of course it's just a date change and a new day...but it's a chance to celebrate! An excuse for a longer school vacation! An opportunity for parties and friends! (and Joe--if you mention anything about drinking in your comment for this entry, I WILL erase it!)
Anyway...I think all the New Years activities are cool! The festivities on TV, the entertainment at home, the race between all the determined pregnant women laboring fiercly to deliver the "first baby of the year." You know, all that good stuff. Someday I'm going to be at Market Square for the New Year. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to see it myself. Being all bundled up, crammed among thousands of happy people and being able to breath in all the excitement; the music, the noise, the lights, the shouting, the countdown, the moment of silence as the ball drops, and the following cheers and laughter...sigh...someday.
Well, we're actually having company tonight, but they still haven't shown up. On a random trail--my mother got me a phone today for my room. I'm glad. It's not a cell phone, but it's definately appreciated. It seems like everytime I'm comfortable doing something, the phone rings. And since no one else in my family believes in answering the phone and my mom turned the answering machine off, it just rings and rings and rings until I force myself out of my comfort and run upstairs, finally grabbing the phone and practically shouting, "Hello?!" while gasping for breath.

But it doesn't bother me or anything.

Hmmm...I should probably go soon. I'm house/dog sitting for someone in the neighboring neighborhood (?) and the poor dog is probably jumping around and holding himself waiting for me to take him out.
But anyways, Happy New Year! Use this time to reflect on everything you've done, and consider new avenues down which you may travel in search of future success. (Whoo--wasn't that inspiring?) Actually, just be happy and make this new year the best one ever!!!
Love you all!

Oh yeah--tonight my Dad randomly announced to us that he felt compelled to spend money, and left to go shopping with Mom. They came back with surround sound...Wahoooo!

Wahoo!

Wasn't today heartlifting? I walked to my grandmother's house this morning to greet my cousins and found myself smiling uncontrollably. It wasn't the usual smile either. It wasn't a smirk, or a grin, or a polite stretch of the upper lip. It was absolute and inexplicable happiness! I don't know if it was the bright sunshine, or the blue sky, or the receding drifts of snow...but I smiled and did something I'd never conciously done before. (Brace yourself!) I walked in the middle of the road. On purpose. Which of course is not really a big deal when you live in a small, practically immobile neighborhood--but for some reason I extracted an unusual amount of pleasure in such a small change in routine.
And now that everyone thinks I'm losing it...
My cousins actually came over last night (Lauren, Derek, and Mallory). We all met for supper at my grandmother's, then laughed, and talked as usual as Stephen and Derek wrestled eachother to the death.
After several short lived wrestling matches, we all decided to move on to something more fun...cheerleading! I know, it sounds weird. But ever since the beginning of this year, my little cousin Mallory has been obsessed with cheers, tumbling, and stunting. (Hehe--to my great joy and her father's slight annoyance.) Derek actually likes the tumbling and stunting (good use of his "impressive" muscles), and Lauren watches and laughs. After a while, we actually did get Mallory into a prep, and Derek managed some sort of cool summersault thing that he believed merited him the title of gymnast.

Soon however, interest waned, and we began another sport...something along the lines of "everyone jump on top of Rebecca"

If I look a little thinner or my eyes bulge out when we meet again after break, the above picture should offer sufficient explanation. (Yes, that is me on the bottom, and yes, I was experiencing breath loss and minimal amounts of sheer terror.
Anyway, today they were with us until 12 when they went to visit their other side of the family. They should be back by now though.
Sigh. I'm hungry. I worked at Aruna's house for about an hour today--just cleaning and stuff--but when I left I felt tired and...well, hungry. Hmmm. I would like to continue writing but I can't think of much else to say.
Oh yeah...(to Tirzah if you even read my blog) Do you remember that little turtle hoodie you wore in like, 7th grade? Well, I used to give all the clothes that wouldn't fit me to Lauren. Now, of course, she's about the same size as me and all those old clothes went to Mallory. When she walked in wearing your hoodie today I thought it was funny so I took a picture.

It is SO WEIRD to think of how long ago that must have been. (And how small we were!) It's hard to believe how much time has passed. (Don't worry, I'll save my long, melodramatic monologue on the incomprehensible flight of time for another post.)
Sigh again.
It's been a nice day. I hope spring comes early this year! As I've ranted so many times before, I HATE winter! I don't really care for fall either, everything get so cold and dies. Some people think it's beautiful, but I find it very bleak and depressing. I mean, yes the leaves are nice colors, but they're dying for goodness sake! Their little supply of life is cut off so that they "suffocate" and fall. Sure, red and yellow are nice colors...but when a choking person turns blue (or purple) from lack of oxygen, no one stops by the victim and says, "O! What a lovely shade of blue!" or "I just love watching the colors change!" Ummm...anyway, I much prefer the warmth and life of summer. I love not having to waddle outside in eighteen different layers only to find snow in my boots or that my nose has frozen solid. I like Christmas, ice skating, and snow days in the winter but that's it. I'd take t-shirts, shorts, swimming pools, and a tan any day. And for those of you who say, "But people would get tired of having the same season if it was always summer!" I would reply, "Right, that's why all the people who can vacation in Florida during the cold season."
Sure, my opinions concerning seasonal differences are very strong. (as they are concerning any debatable topic) But if you happen to like winter or fall, I still love you. To each his own I suppose. And now that my post has surpassed all normal lengths and has thereby labeled me as a psycopath with no life, I'm leaving.
So goodbye, and enjoy the rest of this very pleasant day!

Merry Belated Christmas!

Although it's techinically not Christmas anymore (it's past midnight) I would still like to share my lasting Christmas joy with everyone. Yes, it went beautifully, and it seems strange that what I've anticipated all month ended so quickly.
After attending church in the morning, my family and the Chintalapudis ate a very extensive Christmas meal that was yummy.
Then we all talked and watched tv while the food expanded in our stomachs and was transformed into extra bodyweight. Eventually, we got around to opening presents, and made it last as long as possible. I got tons of jewelry, some clothes, random accessories to make me beautiful, and other useful things that I don't feel like listing right now. Oh yeah, and all us kids were given mattress pad heaters and winter hats and coats and robes because my father has announced that he is turning off the heat in the house when our guests leave.
After gifts, we all resumed our laziness and watched more tv. Eventually, we were pried from our seats and instructed to apply ourselves to constructive activity. I cleaned my room and talked with the girls. Later on, around 11pm we decided to sporadically dress up and take eachothers' pictures. It was fun and accompanied by many "adventures."

Well this part of the post keeps getting deleted, so I give up and say goodbye!
Merry Christmas!

falalalala..lalalala

Hmmm...After getting to bed at an unspeakable hour of the night, I have risen above the suffocating aura of sleepiness and am now dying for something to do. My parents and our guests (Dr. and Mrs. Chintalapudi--get your tongue around that one!)are laughing excessively in the kitchen.

My mom is trying to learn how to knit so she can make little furry scarves for people. Mrs. Chintalapudi is also knitting, making fun of herself (and mom) while making faces at the men and pretending to be insane. (Her husband is a neurologist).

I know the whole "knitting" thing makes them sound weird, but they're actually pretty cool. Funny anyway. Meanwhile, the house is practically shaking with the sound of Jono and Nikita trying to top oneanother's piano skills. They started out taking turns, but now they're playing their different songs on the same piano at the same time.

They get along pretty well--a match made in heaven if you ask me. The same cannot be said for Stephen and Nainisha. Right now they're playing chess quietly, but I give them 5 minutes to become engaged in a heated argument. (This is definately the only use of the word engaged that will ever be accurate concerning them.)Nainisha is only 11 (younger than Stephen) but is in 7th grade (smarter than Stephen)This of course, is all that's needed to create animosity between them.

Everything they do is a competition, and I'm sure they keep tally of their victories. Anyway, I used to play a lot with the girls, but now there is such an age difference that I'm not quite sure what to do. I do their hair every morning, tell them stories, draw pictures for them, and (choke) even play games with them. (For those of you who are not aware of my platform on games--go hit your head against a brick wall and you will experience a small fraction of my pain when forced to participate in such activities.)
But they seem to be enjoying themselves and keeping entertained, so it's all good. I'm getting excited about tomorrow for the first time this month, and I'm wearing 5 brand new gold (not REAL gold) bracelets that jingle when I move and make me happy.
Is this blog getting more random or am I imagining things?
Anyway...I'll probably write more today so goodbye for now! (And never, never allow your possible future children to take piano lessons.)

Oh yeah!

Well, today was exciting and adventurous. In celebration of Adrienne's birthday, she, her sister, her mother, and I journeyed to Indianapolis for lunch at the Spaghetti factory and a major shopping expedition. Besides laughing (and giggling) our heads off the whole time (all of us--especially her mom) and embarassing ourselves over and over again, we had so much fun! Hilary and I took tons of pictures and we all felt very uninhibited walking around downtown among strangers. We rode the escalators numerous times, pressed all the elevator buttons for the following riders' convenience, (accidentally pushed the emergency button), got kinda yelled at for making faces at the "security camera" in the pay machine in the parking garage, and posed with the plastic models on those little platforms in the stores. We had fun. It was really just what I needed after all this Christmas hassle and exam junk and overload of seriousness. Sigh. We got coffee on the way home and I can still feel it working. But that's okay. When I do finally get to sleep--I will be happy.
Anyway...
After we got back to Adrienne's house, I colored her hair. It's pretty dark but it looks really good. We were gonna take pictures and stuff but I had to get home...we have some Indian friends that live in North Carolina that came to stay with us over the holidays--and I figured I should probably be there to hang out with them.
So I say so long, farewell, and goodnight! Don't smoke, don't drink, and don't ever glue carpet to your car.

Moving on

Well, I haven't been very faithful in writing recently, but I haven't exactly felt compelled to. Naturally, I've been incessantly busy with Christmas preparations, Christmas decorations, Christmas guests, Christmas food, and (dun dun dun) CHIRSTMAS PICTURES. Before I continue, I would like to establish 3 things.

#1 Chris is physically incabable of smiling for a camera.

#2 Stephen is in that blessed stage of life in which he believes himself to cool to smile.

#3 Jono....well he's just weird.

Anyway, to make a very long story short, we decided to do our own pictures at home this year. We ended up taking over 30, (Over a 45 minute time-span lengthened by the usual laughter, threats, subsequent tears and surrender.) but after looking at all of them, we decided to try again the next day. So we did. Now really, I don't mind Christmas pictures. I mean, whatever, get it over with, no big deal. I cooperate. I try my hardest to smile and be a shining role model for my brothers. So naturally, it made me want to scream and cry when I saw my parents picture choice. In the picture, my brothers look great. The camera accomplished a miracle and they look fine. However, this is also the ONE picture in which I look completely horrible. Would this not bother you? I was the only one who actually tried to look nice-and....grrr.
O well I suppose. I guess I'm just beginning to share a certain friend's pes simistic view of the jolly season.

Well--I wanted to share a few of my favorite shots from the Christmas pictures with you, but my computer is absolutely obsolete and can't manage so difficult a task. I wish there was a way to insult the computer. Make it partake in the grief it allows me to suffer. Inflict pain on its little memory box. (or whatever it is that makes it run)

Anyway...

I think my supply of happy juice is running low and I'm typing a little more forcefully than usual so---

Merry Christmas.

Added Later 12/24:
HAHAHAHAHA I GOT IT TO WORK!!! Please enjoy.

And my personal favorite...

No Explanation

When the cool air finally dried the flow of tears that burned wet trails down her face, she released her breath and lay still...her senses dulled by the recent emotional eruption. Seeing the black mascara stains on her pillow, she paused a moment before flipping it over and patting it back into shape. Mascara stains. Crying hadn't helped at all. Then again--had she really expected it to?
With a silent sigh, she pulled her sheets to her chin, seizing what little comfort they offered her current state of mind. Exhausted emptiness began its merciless assault on intellect and reason, but only vaguely dulled the unameable ache that clouded her heart. Relentless, it procured no means of release. There was no one who could understand, though a few would try, and sharing the ache only made it more definate. Yet, keeping it to herself only allowed it to grow...
It was pointless really, thinking about it, talking about it. Neither "solution" would bring about true resolution. Besides, it didn't always bother her--distraction came easily enough, and she had all she needed to smile.
But time and time again, the same desperate ache returned at the slightest provocation, each time wielding new pains and immpossible wishes. The awareness of her place in reality was daunting and desolate. Was it wrong to wish for more? Wrong to wish for something better when she already had so much? Was it wrong to consider the possibility that there could be more?
Another sigh pentrated the ironic stillness of the night. The girl curled up tighter--almost angry with herself. Her pains were no different than anyone else's. They revolved around the same issues that everyone experiences at least once in a lifetime. She had a good family, good friends, and a promising future...so why did the tears fall so easily?
When her eyes closed, the countless questions bled together into an incomprehensive swirl. As her breathing slowed and steadied, she finally dismissed the last traces of coherrent thought from her mind--surrendering at last to the overwhelming emptiness of dreamless sleep...

Wow

Do you ever wonder why people talk to you?
I mean really, every new year of your life you're convinced that you've got it together. Every year you pull out the last year's photographs, laugh, and say, "I can't believe I was such a loser." Every year you're convinced that THIS will be your best year--and you're ready to take it on full of the confidence that no one could possibly look down on you now. I remember when I got my first pair of flaired jeans. I was shopping with Tirzah at the Castleton mall in Indy. (Whoa, weren't we cool?) I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was on top of the world. I felt so good about myself that I spent 15 dollars of my birthday money (that totaled 20) on a yellow shirt that Tirzah said was cool too. Of course, after buying these things, I changed into them immediately. I remember bouncing past people, feeling like a new person. I just knew that those jeans were my key to acceptance and therefore, happiness.
I really thought that.
I wore those jeans until the knees turned white--and then, still not willing to part with them, I would color the knees blue with a marker after every wash. However, soonafter I began getting clothes from other people, and those jeans were quickly forgotten. I rediscovered them about a year later and tried them on, only to find that they were unmistakably highwaters. I was shocked. Indignant. Horrified, mortified, and appalled! I hadn't gotten any taller and the jeans were the same as they'd been before--but all of a sudden what had made me feel so cool before now offended my much more cultivated fashion sense.

Um anyway...

Back to the "do you ever wonder why people talk to you?" question. My answer would be yes. And maybe after this pointless entry (and frightening picture) you'll wonder why you talk to me.

Memories...sigh!

current status

Well-i am currently munching carrot and celery sticks to my heart's delight. I basically spent the whole day in bed with a large water bottle (or "cistern" as it is fondly referred to) a heating pad, pain medication, and my faithful box of tissues. I feel a little better now. I guess I don't have enough "proof" that this is another kidney problem to be seen by a doctor--so i'm basically just waiting until their is some. Anyway, I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because I was miserable. (You know that feeling, where you roll around a moan out loud just to hear yourself?) So I stayed home and took medicine. I got to sleep, but it wasn't exactly a break. Naturally, it was the worst day for me to be absent--i was supposed to go somewhere this morning with Mrs. Leffew, i missed my morning meeting with my the girl that i mentor, I had an english project and a spanish presentation due, I had an FMT performance, and i had a game. Amazing--huh? You don't realize how much you're involved in or that depends on you until you stop moving. I wonder what it would be like to not be involved in anything? Don't get me wrong, I like doing things and being comfortably "busy," but for just one week...to not have any obligations or "prior commitments," as they're titled quite frequently at my house. It makes me laugh when 7th and 8th graders complain about how much they have to do. I mean, seriously, i'm not the busiest person in the world, but i only have one free night of the week. And that's excluding homework and projects and games and performances and meetings and last minute calls for my assistance. Like I said, I'm not exactly complaining--just indulging in a few wistful, idealistic, unrealistic, sentimental wonderings.
And i completely rabbit trailed.
I'll probably be at school tomorrow just so I can make everything up before finals. Besides, i wouldn't want to overly defile my perfect attendance record. *sniff
So even though I wasn't at school, i thought about it all day. I missed my romantic musings with adrienne and fall-over-laughing-moments with Emily. I missed the random stories from Luke and co., making fun of Jordan, and yes...I think i even missed the sing-alongs with Jared. (and no-i don't actually sing along, but what else do you call random, non-stop singing!?) Yes, yes, I missed you all.
Sigh. My carrot and celery serving has been long depleted. I don't know why i was eating them. I think it's one of those subconcious habits. When you get sick, you automatically begin to do everything that is labeled healthy, however irrelevant it may be.
I missed my brothers' christmas program tonight. It made me sad. They both actually wanted me to come, and Jono had his own solo. Anyway...you can tell i didn't really talk to anyone today because i'm rambling pointlessly. I think being forever depraved of social activity and intelligent conversation would kill me.

Wilson thinks so too.

Goodnight everyone. Send a little prayer up for me if you think of it.
Oh yes--and thank you to those who brought me cookies. that was nice of you. (popcorn would also be appreciated) Actually i'm just kidding. Eating hasn't exactly been my most favorite experience today...

Mmmm

I feel much better now. I still felt a little funny this morning, but now i think i'm back to being as close to normal as i can get. I just ate two chocolate poptarts in celebration, and am now putting off work on my english project. And speaking of food, i've decided that i definately do not support the production of wheat bread. My mother sent me to the grocery store about a week ago (now that i can drive i'm taken advantage of) to pick up two loaves of bread. I, being the naturally thrifty and wise shopper that i am, performed my usual routine of comparing prices, brands etc. In the end, i was sure i had found the best deal--wheat bread. Not only was it on sale, the slices were huge, and the nutritional value impressive. As I selected a couple loaves, i could just see the pleased praising look on my mothers face as i presented my findings. Well-she wasn't even home when i got back, but my confidence remained undaunted...until this morning. Still feeling a little sick, i moped through my morning habits, finally opening the pantry to see what looked good for breakfast. After a few seconds, i decided on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, selecting the aforementioned wheat bread. I don't know what i was thinking that day at the store. Not only does wheat bread have the consistency of leather, and require a muscular chewing system to--well--chew it, the little grains that weren't fortunate enough to make it into the dough before it was cooked just sit on top---little white things that look a lot like mold. Anyway, being a self-proclaimed non-picky eater, i ate half of the sandwich before losing my appetite. Unfortunately, because of my good shopping skills, there are two whole huge loaves left in the cupboard, just waiting for me. I guess there was a reason it was on sale. Other shoppers--let my example stand as an unfortunate warning to you! Don't be drawn into the trap set for you by malicious store owners who prey on your innocence!
Umm...anyway...yeah. I feel much better now and probably should work on my project. I wonder if there's any chance of a delay tomorrow? hmm. Right now i'm in the computer room and my dad is sleeping on the little bed behind me. I'm counting down seconds till he wakes himself up with his snoring. He's got some pretty wicked nasal power.
Well-everyone enjoy the last moments of your weekend and be good.

blah

Well-since i'm bored and absolutely miserable, i figured it was the perfect time to publish a depressing poem. It pretty much sums up those days that you feel invisible, or like you're on the other side of the glass watching life in slow motion. I obviously don't feel like this all the time, just took advantage of the emotional low. I wanted to post a picture with it--but i can't figure out how. Any help would be appreciated.
Anyway...here goes nothing.


All that seemed so clear is quickly fading,
All that looked so bright is rendered dark,
All that you thought strong begins to crumble,
You stumble and collapse short of the mark.

The sunlight in the distance disappears,
In the haze you wander cold and numb,
Voices reach your ears but they mean nothing,
And slowly, the tears begin to come.

The world hurries along outside your window,
You're left behind, alone, can only sigh,
You force a smile and wave, but those that pass you,
Can't hear your spirit crying, soon to die...

Whimper

Uggg. That's what i feel like now. Last night i felt kindof sick, but i felt a little better this morning....for about 5 minutes. I took my brothers out to eat and then to see the Chronicles of Narnia--for a while the fun (and the popcorn) was distracting enough to make me forget my discomfort. But I feel horrible again. I can't sleep or read or anything! It makes me want to curl up and die. Or amputate my stomach or something. I'm not like, nauseous sick, my stomach just hurts...This practically is the one year anniversary of my last hospital visit--not a very encouraging reminder. Grrr...the most annoying thing is that it won't go away. I cope with pain pretty well, but this is NONSTOP. Anyway--i was gonna go to Jordan's house with some other people, but i'm afraid i wouldn't be the most pleasant company. Well-now that I've sucessfully failed in distracting myself once again and feel so much better...Uggggg again.

Snow day!!!

I'm soooo excited! School was actually cancelled for the 7 inches of snow that fell last night! For those of you who know Faith Christian School, snow days are few and far between. But anyway, the phone rang and 6:00 this morning and I JUST KNEW IT!! You have no idea how satisfactory it is to roll over and go back to sleep, to get up in pjs and slippers and take your sweet time eating a nice breakfast when normally the entire morning is miserably rushed. The nice thing too, is that today's friday, so the weekend is extended. I definately needed a break. Everyone at school's been getting restless, and no one want's to be there anymore. Naturally the winter months start to drag, and the work is piled on, and everyone bumps down the halls out of habit to continue his existence. When the snow started falling yesterday afternoon, everyone crowded around the window to stare at it like kindergarteners. I am typically pretty anti-snow (or any form of cold) but I could have jumped out the window--I felt so happy. Later on, practices and a choir performance were cancelled, and I thought I would scream! I think I started to, but my art teacher didn't share my joy, or appreciate my expression of it. (Sigh!) Well, I'm supposed to be working on scholarships right now--since we don't have school, my mom thinks that I should do all the other work that I hate doing. But tomorrow, I'm taking my little brothers to go see Chronicles of Narnia. I read all those books when I was little and thought they were the greatest thing, so I'm curious to see if they'll like it. They're already excited as it is--they hardly ever get to go see movies and stuff. Last time I went out with my friends, my brother cried, so I promised him we'd do something later. I feel all wierd, driving them around and stuff. I wonder what it would be like to have an older sibling that could take me places. I wonder if they even relate to me at all?
Moving on...
School's been alright lately. Luke gave me a rose yesterday with a note all about stress that made me smile. He's a nice boy. I guess I've been acting funny at school. It's just that I feel so many things at once, and I can't say them all, so I close up and put on my normal "school face." It seems like I can't control my feelings anymore. I know what's right, and I know what's true, but in spite of all my attemps to act intelligently, it seems like I always say the wrong thing or make a complete idiot about myself. Hmmm...
Another weird thing, my old neighbor just called to tell us that her daughter just had her baby. I'ts weird to think about because I remember when her daughter used to babysit me! She was only 15 then, and we used to tease her all the time about her boyfriend and getting married and stuff. To think about her with her own baby blows my mind! I'm older than she was when she babysat me--how long until I'm in her position? (obviously assuming a lot)
Time is so incomprehensible. To think that every word I type and every moment I use to pause and think is one less moment I have until I breath my last... It makes certain parts of life seem longer, but for the most part, days fly by.
And speaking of flying--an entire flock of migrating birds just decided to rest in the tree outside my window. Which means a lot of noise and...well, the snow underneath the tree is no longer that "romantic sparkling white."
Happy snow day!