once upon a time

The story of my life

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Spite

Fine. In resentful response to all the online harassment I have been receiving regarding my lack of recent posts--I'm writing. And I hope it's horrible and you all regret reading it. Just to spite you.
Okay--so I'm slightly overreacting. Lately however, I find myself prone to courses of controversial action just for the sake of "spiting" people. (And for those of you who don't know the difference between "spitting and spiting," the only real factor that distinguishes the two concepts from one another is the fact that "spite" is much more satisfactory and generally accepted by the public whereas "spit" is not.
Unless you live in Kentucky. There it is required by law to spit at least as often as you swallow. Allow me to explain. We all know that Southern livelihood relies heavily on the consistent production of cotton and tobacco. Over the years, it has basically been discovered that cotton is useless in Kentucky. No one wears cotton t-shirts, (or shirts at all really!) and you can't chew it. In light of these ancient discoveries--tobacco became the center of agricultural amusement.
Anyway, back to the spitting.
Basically, Kentukian medical scientists have discovered that chewing tobacco is good for you. It reduces tooth loss and gives breath a most distinctive appeal. Besides it's green and it grows in the ground. It's practically a vegetable! For these reasons, parents all across Kentucky encourage tobacco in their homes. Tobacco birthday cakes are increasingly popular.


Actually, the "spitting" part of chewing tobacco wasn't practiced until later. That tradition was started when a local schoolboy became so good at spitting that he could hit any target within vision. His talent won him the attention of the schoolteacher who promptly married him. (He was thirty-five after all) He of course, modestly accredited his spitting ability to the tobacco--and his success with the ladies. His story was the beginning of the first movement in Kentucky since the Civil war. Suddenly, the entire male population was spitting. The habit eventually spread to include the women when it became clear that spitting was fashionable and attractive. Even better, now there was a use for their beards...

...and I'm done now.

Hint: If any of you are still sitting there, waiting for this entry to make sense—please blink once or twice and prepare to sit for a long time.

I must ask you all to not hold me responsible for anything that you just read. I just ingested large amounts of "tropical punch" coolade that was most likely compounded from wild flowers and leaves found in the exotic indoor gardens of Columbia.

Anyway.

I'm 18 now and I have a cell phone. I've discovered that I no longer crave popcorn and I really want a cat.
Today I watched Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley. Yep. She was sitting right there with me. It was really good. I'm actually considering watching it again which is pretty revolutionary.
Today there was a bird in my garage. It scared me to death and almost killed itself after running into the wall several times. It was a baby mourning dove. It couldn't fly very well, and couldn't seem to locate the open garage door.
Today I watched Alexander.
Today I almost died in the Walmart parking lot.
And today I bought deodorant.

This is the note I'd like to end on.
So for all of you who still don't regret demanding that I write--you will eventually. And then I'll laugh...just to spite you.

5 Comments:

  • At 9:17 AM, Blogger julio said…

    that was an impressive post.

    recently its been brought to my attention that it is indeed a bad thing to chew tobacco. certain,,, problems,, may or may not arise.

    oh and im glad you decided to get deoderant.

     
  • At 9:52 AM, Blogger MEC said…

    I too like the deoderant you put on your done list. Anyway I was one of those people sitting there waiting for it to all make a lot of sense, and I'm glad that you added that note in the middle b/c I was indeed a little confused

    I miss you!

     
  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger JJewell06 said…

    huh

     
  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger bethoven said…

    Rebecca...I relished every moment of that post, even though it was done in spite. You really are a gifted writer and had me hanging on your every word. I even hung on around the rapid twist and turns! It was wonderful. Absolutely scrumptious. More! More! More!

    BTW, I just realized again that I forgot to send you those graduation pics. You'll have to email me your email address...

     
  • At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How can one really comment on a post like that?...Oops, I just did.

     

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