empty

Well. I feel strangely silent.
After all of yesterday's action, and the temper flares, random giddiness, and laspses of loneliness last week, I think I have been drained of all emotion. This seems to be a growing condition. Somedays I think that you could tell me the most shocking thing you know, and I would just look at you blankly, knit my eyebrows, and absently nod my head (while I wonder how I'm supposed to be responding!) NOTE: I am NOT encouraging you to try this or anything. I can only imagine what you'd come up with...

Anyway, on a random note: do you ever just consider your current life and wonder how it got that way? Why things happen the way they do? Why everyone elses life seems so complication-free? Why everything you do, even your very personality seems to invite unwanted...problems?!
(and by the use of "you" in these sentences, I really mean "me" or "I")
How does my life get this way? I have a general plan of what I want to do, am taking slow and steady steps to accomplish my goals, have a nice set of standards, and just try to get through each day through God's grace. But somehow, reality's not so clear-cut. I can't just choose a college, I have to research/compare/analytically challenge each college's pros and cons. I can't just choose a major, I have to factor in job opportunities, housing, state of residence, and marriage--of all things! I can't just have normal, growing, healthy, and beneficial friendships with nice people, I have to invent non-existent problems and deal with so much that I definately don't ask for!
Not that all of this is bad. I'm learning from experience and will hopefully and eventually benefit from all of this. I'm glad that I have parents who help me think things through, and I'm glad that I'm dealing with these issues now. I guess I just want to know when things will simplify---or if they ever will.

dispirited sigh.

Well--yesterday I visited my childhood house with Meg and Adrienne. I lived there until I was 11, and I love going back for some reason. Sentimental value I suppose.

Anyway, the man that lives there now cut down all of our flowers, trimmed all the lower branches off the tree that I spent half my life in, and completely destroyed "the fairy bush"--a huge green plant with enormous, bright purple blossoms. I used to sit in the little space between its branches and the side of the house and construct little "fairy houses"--hence the name. I took a few pictures, and it made me feel really funny. On one hand, just being there again took me back in time and invited a semi-permanent grin across my face. On the other hand, I felt strangely empty. The house was just kindof...barren. Empty and spiritless. It seems weird, but I felt this the most when I witnessed what they had done to my little tree. For those of you who couldn't have guessed, I was a very strange child; very impressionable and willing to try anything. I played in that tree everyday--sometimes with a book, doll, diary, or sketch pad. Christopher had his tree right next to mine, but I definatley had the better of the two. Thick branches created a seat, and there was even a branch where I could prop a book. It actually wasn't that big of a tree (though it seemed so at the time) so the wind easily shook it, especially the smaller, higher branches, creating an endless source of entertainment. Anyway...seeing it cut the way it was made me feel...funny. I walked over to see if my initials were still carved in it, but noticed dejectedly the large amount of bark that had developed on the formerly smooth branches and knew that my carvings had been covered. Looking up once more with a parting sigh, I noticed something else--tied between two branches was the length of rope I had used as a back support. Really, rope and backsupports are not very sentimental at all, and not nearly as romantic as carved initials, but I was instantly fluttery with excitement to see that it was still there.

Anyway...
Strange things make me happy. Like Peach Orchard Punch.

What's your happy juice?

Busy busy busy.

Well, today moved quickly. I woke up bright and early and popped in my rarely used Charlotte Church CD so that I could warm up for ISSMA competition, turned it all the way up, helped my family get a joyous start to their saturday morning, grabbed a banana, and drove to Harrison with my supportive parents.
By the time we got there, I was totally ready to sing, and convinced my self during the performance that I was some famous singer. I remembered my blog post from yesterday, so instead of thinking about what I sounded like, I just focused on the performance delivery. It went better than I had hoped, and I exited victorious with a gold medal.
Everybody in our group did well, and for the most part enjoyed our time there. We did have a TON of waiting around though, and ended up all sitting in the hallway, talking about guys and how we absolutely don't like them (yeah, whatever!), while I got kindof camera happy.

Don't ask...

But moving on to a very irritating matter of serious importance--
As most of you know, I have a great love and passion for well-written, thought-through, sentimental, inspiring literature. One genre of this hobby is poetry. I mean really, I love it. Anyway, today as I was walking cheerfully down the crowded halls of Harrison Highschool, I came face to face with the most horrible representation of literary art imaginable. There, posted on the wall, was a poem. Meant to be a model and standard to other poets, it was displayed proudly and prominently.

I wanted to vomit.

Because I can hardly speak for rage and frustration--I will let you read this poem yourself and draw from it your own conclusion. I am in personal favor of burning it--as it is definately a friek demonstration of human derrangement.

Well--now that my fingers are shaking so that I can hardly type, I will change subjects.

After competition, I went with Luke and his family to celebrate his birthday. The restaurant we went to had one of those "if it's your birthday we'll give you a cake and candles and make everyone sing to you" policies, and I think everyone in Indiana decided to have their birthday today and in that restaurant. After stuffing ourselves to the point of danger, singing happy birthday at least 15 times, admiring the strange and random pictures on the walls---(this one was my personal favorite!) we returned to Lafayette fat and happy.

Now finally, I'm in the comfort of my home, staring at the computer screen as my fingers move voluntarily and my eyes begin to close...

Sigh!

Nada

The days between each post are becoming more numerous, and I feel like I'm becoming the average blogger--thoughts few and far between, and writing only to retain the title of, well..."blogger."
I guess there's been a lot that's happened---I had a little fall in with a deep and cold lake, experienced the joy of wheelchairs, and discovered that I could live without popcorn. (Although as a result existence is purely miserable!)
Oh--and I sang with the radio in my car (the word my being used loosely) at the top of my lungs, with absolutely no inhibition for the first time in my life. It was weird. I think I must always be too concerned with general opinion and "embarassment," because it was definately a stretch. I had to keep convincing myself that no one could hear me, no one could see me, and no one would care anyway. But still, dumb stuff like that makes me nervous or something. I have the same deal in other cases too. For example: commenting on other people's blogs. I seriously sit there for a long time, reading, re-reading, and considering what I write. I think about its conversational tone, the kind of mood it sets, what it communicates, what it could communicate, and what I want it to communicate. It's even worse when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone. The same mental processes take place, only at greater speeds and more prone to mistakes.
I guess I've always wondered--do other people do that? Do you do that? It must be good to some degree--because all that extra thinking aids my "superpower" of intuitiveness.
Grrrr! Even that! I sat there for at least 30 seconds debating whether to put quotations around the word "superpower" or "intuitiveness."
And that! Should I have written "debating WHETHER to put" or "debating IF I SHOULD put"......

I give up.

(Now, a mental pause as I read what I have written so far, shake my head, and begin revising.)

Now that I think of it... maybe I should take "randomness" lessons or set daily "random" goals. Then again...I can be pretty random. What exactly IS my problem? Do I just over analyze? Am I strictly judgemental? Am I obsessive? Do I care too much? Is it wrong to notice things like this? (These habits are not limited to only critiquing myself!) Is is wrong to be so easily irritated by the disorder of detail?

Sigh

Well I have FABA tomorrow morning and probably could use some healthy sleep. I've been a mess this week, I can't seem to remember, find, or hold on to anything. And by not remembering things, I'm not just talking about my physics calculator, or the English test, or my spanish homework--I can't even remember my own thoughts...or what happened the day before, or what mood I'm in, or what I'm supposed to be doing...

Sigh again.

Goodnight.

Newfound truth

Better is one day in your courts...than thousands elsewhere.

This used to be a truth that I nodded and smiled at, but inwardly rejected. I mean, really, we know heaven's great and all, but who really wants to go there without first fully enjoying his days on earth? Seriously--before this morning, I'd always held the adament viewpoint that I should be allowed to enjoy my life to its full extent before I had to go to heaven--a place in my selfish mind where endless singing and light could get annoying. Who doesn't want to get married someday? Or experience the exhileration as the first child is placed into trembling arms? Or see that same child grow up, graduate and begin her own family? Who doesn't want to enjoy easy life after retirement and die only when he's nothing more to accomplish? Maybe you can't relate, but these thoughts have been obstinately prominent in my sinful thinking.
But this morning, as the praise team sang these words--the congregation seemed to hold a collective breath as truth resounded throughout the room. It was in this moment that I came to agree with their proclamation. This world is so finite! My current state of survival isn't my life!--the most joy that I can imagine now is only a fleeting shadow, an intangible vapor in comparison to the eternal happiness I will experience in the presence of the one who created laughter--who ordained each breathtaking moment, and who has prepared heaven to be the everlasting "grand finale" to the small taste of life that we sample here.

Better is one day in your courts,

Better is one day in your house,

Better is one day in your courts,

Than thousands elsewhere...

Than thousands elsewhere.

I can now sincerely say with irrepressable excitement that I am ready to go home...whenever He wants me.

Interesting

Well, today I got up bright and early to prepare for play practice. After having the time of my life--I remembered/discovered that my favorite cousin ever was having her homeschool fine arts competition at our school. Although it was generally alarming, and I've never seen so many 1/2 inch bangs, collared dress with tennis shoes combinations, chest high waistlines, and penny loafers in my life, it was alright. Not all of them were like that of course, and I can't say anything too bad because lots of people that I love are homeschooled and cool.
Anyway, Lauren competed in humerous interpretation and (like a loyal and forever faithful friend) I stayed to watch all four of her performances. Then, after a very long day (during which I ate hardly any food and was therefore ready to go home and plunge into the loverly supper that my very own grandmother prepared for me) we all went to my grandma's and hung out. During this time, I'm not sure what happened, but either there was something in the food, or we all are naturally strange, but we got pretty weird and had lots of fun.

(Notice the amazing family resemblance)

Sigh. Now I'm at home, can't seem to focus one bit on writing, and I miss my cousin already.
Well anyway--until next time, for who knows what the new day may have in store?

All over!

Well--I'm glad that today is coming to a close.
This morning I slept in sufficiently, lazed around the house, and finally decided to take my brothers out to eat and with me to finish some shopping. They excitedly agreed, and we set out. I know it sounds pathetic, but I've never driven to the mall by myself, and wasn't quite sure I even knew how to get there. Fortunately, my intuitiveness came into play, and I was able to reach my destination in good time with absolutely no level of mishap. We had fun, walked around, talked, bought dippin-dots (which my brothers had never had before and I found quite satisfactory) and decided to return home. It was then that I learned something new. My supply of intelligent intuition is limited. Substantially.
Somehow, I got lost coming home from the mall, we didn't get to eat, and I had minimal time to prepare for the game....to make a long story short, I got on the Granger-bound bus a very irate/disgrunted/dissappointed/dissatisfied female. Anyway...it turned out that both of our flyers couldn't come, and another one of the girls stayed home sick. So all five of us had to make do AND have a good attitude. The two and a half hour drive went a little more quickly than i expected, (although the drive home was nothing short of EVERLASTING!) and the game flew by so quickly that we seriosly wondered if someone was messing with the clock. I was able during this time however, to find my way to the concessions stand and purchase a bag of long-craved popcorn. And that's about it. I just got home about 30min. ago and feel like I need to release one enormous sigh. I won't even try to express how I feel about games that are scheduled over breaks.
Hopefully tommorrow is a little more relaxing. I've felt kinda funny lately.
So anyway...till then!

There was a lapse in the chaos. The black slowly faded away, revealing a rainy grey world in slow motion. The girl adjusted her weight in her seat and blankly surveyed her surroundings. Distant laughter met her ears as smiling faces exchanged bright-eyed glances, and everywhere lips parted in cheerful conversation. Voices mingled and blended into some version of harmonious discord; providing accompanament to the heavy drumming of rain on the windows. The bus floor vibrated beneath her feet and forced her into an uncomfortable state of thoughtless attention.

The girl rested her face against the window. The air's icy chill slowly crept from the cold glass and clung to her skin. Her neck began to prickle as an involuntary shudder left her shivering. Leaning away, she continued to observe faces. Most wore expressions of contentment. Here and there were flashes of impatience and irritation, concern creased a forehead nearby, and weariness pulled down the edges of a mouth further away. Every face bore some form of readable expression. They were all so simply interpreted--easily understood.

Wait. The girl's attention was instantly focused. There...in the rearview mirror, a pair of dark blue eyes returned her gaze evenly from a pale, thin face. The girl's sharp intake of breath surprised herself as she continued to study the stranger's countenance. It bore an unmistakably haunted emptiness, but the eyes swirled with unassurance, as if each moment issued a new revelation in its reign.

Suddenly, they dulled as comprehension swept in like a storm and slammed the glirl mercilessly against the barren shore of harsh reality. She felt herself lost to its undertow as she closed her eyes, surrendered, and sank back into the blackness.

The face belonged to her.

Alright

Well--today was alright I suppose. The recital went well (besides the part where Alexander decided to express his overflowing excitement concerning the fine arts) and I'm glad we don't have school tomorrow. We do have a game however, so my joy is extremely limited. Besides a very amusing trip to the purdue library (in which half the class decided to play hide and seek) this really cool "Wonka donut" that i ate after reader's theater practice (why do all my daily reflections involve food?), and the usual joys of a school day--today wasn't exactly exciting. I'm glad we get a break.
You know how random people that want to sound philosophical and intellectual will ask you an even more random question just for what they think is "positive attention"? Like overused discussions about the soul, afterlife, chess, distant galaxies, or dating? These people generally don't care what you think and are usually so involved in giving you their invaluable opinion that they don't give you a chance to reply or listen to your answer. One of these questions is : What one thing would you wish for given the opportunity? (And for all you original smarties--wishing for more wishes doesn't count.) Well I finally know my answer--and it sounds really corny/sappy/phycospiritual--but I'm telling you anyway.
I wish that somehow, Jesus Christ could take the form of a 17 year old highschool student at Faith Christian School and be my best friend. Obviously, I'm perfectly aware that he's "always there," and "already my best friend," but that's what I wish for. Maybe someday I'll feel like providing some kind of attempt at an explanation, but for now, I just wish it. Desperately.
Anyway--until next time!

No Explanation

She held her breath as anger exploded within--bright flashes of orange and yellow behind closed eyes. It was hopeless...pointless. There was no relief in lame attempts of explanation and no joy in allowing it to fester and infect every inch of her soul. She kept her eyes closed and slowly inhaled. The spots faded, leaving behind only a dizzying blackness. Was this what death felt like? The internal explosion seemed to have swept everything away into unsurvivable disarray. All that was left felt like a black hole--an inexplicable threat that seized and swiftly executed the slightest stray thought. And so she sat unmoving, unfeeling, unwilling to search the overwhelming blackness any longer. But it enveloped her like a heavy blanket--the harder she struggled to escape, the tighter it seemed to twist around her. The heavy folds of nothingness suffocated her cries as she choked on the tears that forced themselves down her face unbidden. Oh well, she thought. At least no one can see me here......

Hmmm...
Today was basically an incomprehensive whirl. I'm not depressed, drained, or devoid of happiness, but I feel like the day was unfinished and unsatifactory...although I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. (For those of you who understand what I mean--congratulations) Anyway, I worked with the elementary kids on their FABA poetry selections and had a lot of fun. They're hilarious and so easy to impress! I kissed my brother in front of the whole six grade class (Stephen then staggered around the room with his arms up and a huge smile across his face--fluttering his eyelashes and taking advantage of the attention) meriting myself instantaneous popularity and "awesomeness" with all his friends.
Later, I fixed easy-mac (mac-and-cheese) and officially deigned it the most beautiful 4 min. meal I've ever eaten. I don't know what makes it so good--but it was definately a bright spot in my day!
And speaking of bright spots, Mr. Lambeth brought his "wind up flashlight" to Physics and amused himself with it while we asked random questions about the solar system. I've (surprisingly) discovered that I actually like talking about planets and other such things. For some reason, outer space and stars and moons and meteors fascinate me. It's really weird because there's definately nothing remotely romantic about the solar system. (Maybe I should say...universe...does that sound more sentimental? Or...the heavens...more poetic?) Anyway...my latest obsession is with the sun. Did you know that it's all gas? I didn't. I think it would be so cool to be able to actually see it up close (without dying). I also think a space trip would be awesome and an (as Mr. Lambeth calls it) untethered space walk would have to top all other entertainment.
I really don't know why I feel so funny today--Every feeling I have contradicts itself 3 seconds later, and I feel like I have a ton of unconcentrated energy..........(3 seconds have gone by) but am soooo tired I could cry and wipe out.
But instead of doing that, I am going to wait until American Idol comes on and then truly enjoy myself. Have I ever mentioned that I like that show? It's the best. And I love Simon Cowell.

He's so clever and is never caught off guard or at loss for words. He can make any argument or conversation go his way, is never intimidated and never backs down. He takes whatever he's given and makes it what he wants.
And he has an accent----sigh!
Anyway...this post is starting to become embarassing and I'm sure I'll regret publishing later, so I think I'll get up and do something productive (like eat food)
I love you world!
I love you sun!
I love you random elementary children!
And I love you Simon!

need...to...breathe!

Mercy me Hightower! (as my grandfather used to say) Can't get up to stir the gravy!
Yeah...things have been sooo crazy! With all the spirit week work (skit and banner and costumes and "spirit") and spirit week complications (the Juniors all hate our guts even though we love them and just want to make this week fun), play practice, cheerleading practice, homecoming, scholarships, random spanish assignments, upcoming Senior thesis, babysitting, and general confusion...I feel like I could just lay down in the middle of the hall and stare at the ceiling as people walk around (and over) my soon-to-be-dead body.
Last night we didn't get home from the game until 11:30. It was pretty rough. Their cheerleaders definately had a different style of cheering, (it would have been way cooler than us, but they were horrible at it...) yelled at our guys during our free-throws,(Miss it, miss it, oh oh oh!--a certain nameless coach suggested we run over there, yell "miss this!" and hit them in the face, but we decided against it.) made fun of our cheers, and had a general attitude issue. Anyway--to top it off, some random old guy parked himself right in the middle of the line of cheerleaders and made clear his annoyance with our presence. This, I must say, ticked me way off. I mean, it's not like he was sitting there and we invaded his little space, WE were there and HE placed his annoying self in our territory. Besides, we were trying to be nice and gave him like, a 4 foot clearing on both sides. It's not like we wanted to surround him and obstruct his view! Grr... But he kept making comments like "Excuse me ladies, do you MIND if I watch the game?" He even told the ref to make us move--as if HE could do anything about it! And it's not like he was some sweet old man who had weak eyesight because he'd dedicated his life to copying the Bible in the dark. He was just a sour old grump.
There were positive aspects to the game though i guess, i ate a container of cotton candy and 5 cookies...
a little later--okay, i just totally scared myself to death! I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave (carmel apple!) and forgot about it. So here I am ready to type, waiting for inspiration to flow through my fingers when all of a sudden, I hear loud noises coming from the kitchen. As I'm sure some of you know, I not exactly "at ease" when I'm alone in a house, so my first inclinations were those of self-defense. I grabbed the phone and a pencil(?) and made my way slowly out of the office. It was only when I was frozen at the office door, when my brain remembered the popcorn.
I felt pretty dumb.
Anyway, I got a new leather coat, my popcorn is ready to be devoured, and my spirits have been strangely revived.
Until next time!

long time no see...

Well, I don't really have a lot of time to write, my eyes are drifting shut, and my head is swimming with all the things I need to get done, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am alive (although a little worse for wear) and opt to remain so. Today I worked on scholarships and competition essays and homecoming responsibilities and...I forget. That seems to be my mind's general response to stress. It shuts...down......com--ple--tely.
Anyway, I finally got a dress for Homecoming today, so that's one thing checked off the list. Also, I think Spirit Week is finally coming together, we only have 18 games of cheerleading left, there are 4 and 1/2 months left till graduation, and as far as I know I still possess 50% of my sanity.
Anyway again, I just want to get this final (or fatal!) stretch of school finished!
And Anyway for the final time, my thoughts are slightly scattered right now, so I'll have to catch up with everyone later...
Goodnight.