Snow

I miss you like summer
The sky falls without you
here--lonely
little moths--to the ground and lies
in pinions. I kick up their winter
pick up their wings, dim,
the first dusks of their dark:
the dark between our fingers
the space between stars

My roommate is purple and turquoise usually; she likes Kelly Clarkson and basketball. She's dated a boy named Christian for almost one year, and she's loved him all along. Last February, his dad died in an accident at work and she cried for him, picked up his pieces, touched them all and whispered, "live, Christian." 

Her best friend Jess called today, she's gone! Jess's mother died tonight and Jess thinks she will die tonight, and my roommate is driving five-and-a-half hours tonight, and the snow is lonely tonight. 

Her mom had cancer; her death was anticipated, but not so soon, never so soon. I heard Marissa telling Jess at lunchtime, "Everything's gonna be okay alright?" The shock of death hurts me. I felt it when I touched Marissa, held her and let her shake. It stings.

"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

'Death is swallowed up in victory.'

O death, where is your victory? 

O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15

To my darling Mallory:

I just received your lovely lovely lips in the mail. They were quite shiny! I have decided, since apparently my blog is "pretty much the only interesting thing unblocked on the internet" I will, for your sake, resume writing--for at LEAST today. :)

I do hope to hear from you, and I expect frequent updates on your current literary project, "Revenge of the Feather." The title is most promising.

This morning I had class at 7:50 in the morning, and my pillow was heartbroken when the alarm clock demanded my allegiance; I promised to return, however, and went to Computer Illustration where I was scheduled to present a project comprised of three vector images.








These are called "technical illustrations;" we were required to use black and white shapes to create a mechanical object.

I worked hard on the project. Unfortunately, I forgot to print my project on Friday, and the computer lab is kept locked on Saturday and Sunday. What to do??

With my hands clasped penitently and my most charming smile, I waited at the door for Professor Rudy (who incidentally, loves me) and greeted him with a sincere-- "MOST esteemed professor..."

I then proceeded to snatch his keys, unlock the lab, print, cut, and mat my project--and I was only 7 minutes late to class! VICTORY. Victory is sweet.

The rest of the day has been lovely so far...the only other class I had was Aerobic Exercise, after which I ate a bag of peanut MnM's and a Mango Smoothie. :) :)

Now I'm in my room, gently positioned in all of my mess: papers, folders, dropped change, half-written thank-you notes, post-its, photographs, haphazard jewelry, sticky tea cups. I just painted my nails--french-tipped-them, and listened to a John Piper sermon about fearless submission. He ended with a shout, of course; the declaration of Christ's love for the church.
"He died for her!" John said. "He died for her everlasting holy joy!" This is still ringing in me.

I love John Piper--especially this picture of him HAHA :)



He always says what I don't expect; He loves what is true, understands the beauty of truth, the shock of truth. Yesterday, I listened to him speak about sin--how he faces it again and again, how he is weak again and again. "Finally," he says, "I throw myself down beside my bed and say, 'Cut off my hand! Gouge out my eye! I will not yield!'." Basically he's telling God, "Hurt me! Frustrate me! Just don't let me sin against you." I want that. I want God to make me miserable if I'm not choosing to obey Him. I don't want to wander!

Anyway, so now is the quandary of what to do... I don't have much due tomorrow. I've heard that more snow is coming tonight. siiiigh. Snow has its place in romance, in lamplight, in winter, but I am ready for AIR. I'm ready for the sun...and AIR.

I recently learned the word "pinions"...fascinating, right? It means "wings" and I like it. I thought of two lines today that I like as well:

Today the wind was in your face
and every flag of me fluttered.

eeee! Read them out loud. They taste right.

I haven't written much lately, (considering my writing major!) but I will be attending a writing conference in two weeks at Taylor University. There was a small competition for writers, and one of my creative non-fiction essays, entitled "All Things" about art and love was accepted! I have to read it in front of the conference guests that Saturday...later there is a poetry workshop; I am nervously excited! There will also be two papers (one creative and one academic) selected as first place within their categories, and the writers will receive a small amount of prize money! I don't anticipate winning (especially since the conference is at Taylor University--I suspect Taylor students will win) but I still anticipate the chance; I can't help myself! Perhaps I'll post some of my essay later... :)

I will post SOMETHING now, however, of the art nature---I just bought an illustration tablet so I can illustrate in photoshop, and I just finished my first little digital illustration! I'm pretty excited.



I really just started with a doodle; perhaps someone could tell me her story? I am not entirely sure.
And now, I believe, I will do something productive...

I will write again!

well--i'm sitting alone in my room. Summer is coming to a quick close, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming schoolyear. I'm sure I'll panic when i get my new workload, and I'll probably have at least one professor who is more concerned with the gold-plated title on his office door than his subject--but it'll be a change. I began summer floating on the newness of several jobs, the chance to see my friends again, church activities, and the possibility of a highschool musical 2 :), but now I believe that i'm laying on the bottom of the pool wondering how much longer I can hold my breath. It's not one thing in particular--but it has a lot to do with changed relationships--with my parents, my brothers, my friends... they're all perfectly normal and expected changes--but every one is like those frozen blasts on a January night that make it hard to breathe. I refuse to dramatically detail my disappointments--(as lovely as that sounds :) ) because there's no point in sitting around sighing and wishing for things to be different. If I'm going to be alive--then I'm going to be happy and busy!

This summer I've been taking the monday counseling classes at Faith-and I've learned so much! I've had an unexpected chance to be involved in one of the counselees lives, and I really love working with the biblical counselers. They're smart and they love their Bibles! One thing I've been impressed with is their ability to draw connections in scripture. Instead of slapping down some verse that seems relevant--they take the time to show how everything connects--thoughts, actions, emotions,--sin and consequences, obedience and blessings etc. They also have so many ways of pointing out the character of God--and helping the counselee to mirror that. I especially love the many many homework assignments that give measureable hope to hurting people who begin to observe their own progress throught the completed work. It's not about telling the person what they're doing wrong and then preaching a few sermons in their direction until they're "spiritual enough," it's about helping them install a Biblical worldview, and then help them take advantage of the divine resource in their lap! It is, after all, "inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness." (2 Tim. 3:16) I have seen this proven over and over again! The success of the counselee isn't just a surface change, or a better spiritual facade---but VICTORY. It is a complete change of motives, a new life purpose, and a desire to continue changing. sigh.... good stuff.

On a different note, i also have a job as a Mary Kay office assistant. It's lovely. :) It's basically the perfect job--i'm alone in a room full of makeup, catalouges, and yes--chocolate! Mmmmm... anyway--I just do whatever needs to be done--typing, website work, organizing, cleaning, sorting, filing, putting together sample bags and notebooks. It's great because it's always something different--but it's still routine.
that doesn't involve physical activity.
Which would lead me right into an introduction of my babysitting jobs. sigh.
They're actually not bad. I still watch Alexander from time to time, and I watch two little girls every week. It doesn't sound so exhausing right? I mean--I've always loved children, and how hard can keeping two little girls amused for 4 hours possibly be?
oh my..... allow me to briefly rant.
The girls are very nice. They love me to death, and I can't help loving them. The older one, Camden, is 6. She's got loose blonde curls, light blue eyes, pale skin, and she's pretty standoffish. She likes princesses, ballet, and playing school--where she gets to be the teacher and tell me what to do. Kalli, the younger girl is 4 now, and the complete opposite. She has dark skin, dark curls, dark eyes---very latino looking. She is HILARIOUS! Where her sister is quiet and timid, she is michievous enough for them both! She's the puddle jumper, the cookie snatcher, the one who will fight to the death for half of a potato chip. :) The other day we were coloring together. Cami, naturually, was drawing a series of princesses, dresses and tiarahs, but I couldn't tell what Kalli was making. So i asked her. Her very direct response was, "I'n drawin God....with hair!" Ohhhhhhh. i should have known.
I proceeded to ask her what color His hair was, and she informed me that God's hair was all different colors, "except purple. God does not like purple!" hehe.
Later on, we were playing some make believe game of my invention, where you would go into the magic closet and be transformed into something or someone else when you returned. Cami became a princess (we were all SO surprised!) and waved and curtsied beautifically. Kalli ran out and jumped with her arms out to either side.
"I'n a rainbowwwwwwww!"
I laughed. anyway--to wrap this up, the only reason that they are difficult to entertain is that they demand physical activity every second. They hate movies, complain about coloring, don't want to read, and they remember EVERY MAKE BELIEVE GAME WE'VE EVER EVER EVER PLAYED. And they want to play it again. and again. and again. sigh. I made the mistake of taking them on a dragon hunt ONCE. and now that's what they want to do EVERYTIME. Sounds right up my alley--but running around outside where it's a humid 99 degrees fighting imaginary enemies with magic shoes and keys and potholders and "poison detecting silverware," and the "neverending" money bag, and.......sigh............for HOURS.
And the thing is--the only way to make them forget ONE make believe game is to make up another one. Because they're always asking, "When are we going to play?" "Beccaaaaaaaa play with us!" or as Cami put it one day, "You're here to play with ME!" So there has been a series of adventures in that household, involving a never depleted string of evil stepmothers, and dress-up teaparties, and dancing princesses, and purple monsters.

I also still work at Mountain Jacks. not my favorite. It's a good job--and I'm glad that they take me back every summer--but you know....drama at the hostess stand. I could live without it. :)

Meanwhile--I've also been teaching art lessons this summer to 4th-8th graders. It's great stuff--and I've learned a lot myself in the course of teaching. yay! I don't know if I'll ever become a teacher--but I really really love it. I've been teaching 3rd grade sunday school as well--and it has been an adventure! :)

well, josie hume is at my house now, and we put in Disney's Snow White, and despite Miss White's neverending shriek of a voice, josie managed to fall asleep on my stomach--making it quite impossible to type. makes me happy. :)

So i will cut my rambling short and wait for snow white's prince charming to save her from the negative effects of the magic wishing apple. May all your dreams come true!

Silence is golden

it really is. And I like it.
Question: Why is sitting by yourself sad?
Today after an especially good chapel, I beat the crowd and made it to the lunch hall just in time to reserve one of my favorite booths. The food was more than questionable, but I filled my plate anyway. I did choose to bypass the salad bar however. Salad's usually a good choice, but there was definately and large and very dead grasshopper in my roommate's salad last week. Bleh. I'm all for protein, but there's got to be a better way!
Anyway-so I got my food and sat down--by myself--no big deal.
I like sitting by myself--sometimes I prefer it! There's plenty to think about beyond the pretense of conversation. Besides, I don't get bored ever--and there is plenty to observe. For anyone who doesn't really know me, that's what I do. I watch people. Slighty creepy--i know.
But there are so many of them--and they all have different lives, and they're all thinking about something when their mouths are closed. I note the facial expressions, the mannerisms, the mismatched shoe laces and the little mole under a left eye. I see the way a group interacts--and I know which ones are friends, which ones were poilitely invited, which one is never taken seriously...and I see them think. The one on the fringe of the gathering--I know that she's sad. The guy nodding with his buddies doesn't really agree. I see people's self-counciousness, their pride, their disappointment.
All this while sitting by myself--which brings me back to my ranting. :)

Anyway--so I haven't been sitting for five minutes when a friend walks by.

"You're sitting by yourself?"

Whoa........apparently I am!
Are you asking because you're boycotting general intelligence? Helping me cope with reality? Tactfully assuming that I have no friends?

There were more after that.

Several more acquaintances made similar observations--"You're eating lunch alone?" and my personal favorite, "Why are you by yourself?"
Is there a law of physics that I'm not aware of? Am I offending my fellow students with 15 minutes of solitude? And beyond that--why do they feel sorry for me? Do I look sad? I mean, if you really find my plight so pathetic--why do you move on? You don't have to join me, but seriously---collect an offering or something!

Since when does "alone" equal "lonely"? It's bad enough when I eat by myself, or when people find out that I've never had a boyfriend. What's the deal? Maybe other people are incapable of functioning without someone "there for them," but I get the fork to my mouth just fine. I even managed some dessert.
Basically, I'm alone because I like being alone...and until I find something better, that's the way it's gonna be.


Alright. I'm done ranting. Now I will communicate like a human being. I promise.
I'm going home with my friend Whitney this weekend for her school's homecoming...yay! It'll be something different and fun. I'm also flying with her to Florida during spring break!!! I don't generally get excited about stuff--but I am sooo looking forward to it! I'm a big fan of the beach.
It's actually been alright here, with the snow and all. It hasn't been deathly cold, and the sun's still doing his thing--so I am happy. :)
I've been really busy with art stuff--so I didn't try out for this year's musical, but I'm not excessively heartbroken...at all. Meanwhile, the rest of my classes are going well and I love being here. I've made some new friends--still hang out with 1st semester people... Ooooooh! I went shopping the other day and bought a pair of shoes for six dollars!! They were completely unneccessary and way over the top but I didn't care. Basically, they're like, 5 inch heels COMPLETELY COVERED IN GOLD GLITTER. Sigh--I'm in love! I wore them to some kid's senior voice recital--that was fun. I went because I was invited, and because I like those singing boys, and...FINE, the Cheesecake Factory was like, sponsoring the reception!!!!! mmm.
Sparkly shoes and good food. I was a happy girl.

Well--I wrote cause I felt like catching up, but now I don't! :)
Soooo...until next time!

SURPRISE!!

I'm actually writing on my blog. I really doubt that anyone reads it anymore, but I just felt like mixing things up! I'm supposedly watching pirates of the carribean in the game room with Elaine and Ryan--but i have my laptop with me (obviously) and became distracted. Anyway--love the movie, but there are two ping-pong tables full of people gaming, and the sound of the ball, and getting hit with it more than frequently is slightly distracting. Hmmm....well tonight was interesting...Antigone play practice was horrible AGAIN. After telling us to "learn our fricking lines" the director definately walked out. Other than that, I missed a costume party in my hall (b/c of practice) and took a three hour nap after my first class this morning. Loverly!!! I had a drawing project due Monday, and a design project due today. Basically--i'm now broke and very sleepy. It's funny--the earlier I start a project the later I finish. Here i am, ATTEMPTING to end my habits of procrastination, and I still get minimal hours of sleep. Oh well i suppose. Hmmm...i had an interesting art trip to Chicago on Friday...we've begun writing prose in Creative Writing, i am getting my hair either dreadlocked, braided, cut, or streaked for the play (scary!)...can't think about anything else right now.
Ooooh! I had a scary dream last night that was really realistic--some mental girl was shooting people here at school. In the beginning of the dream i saw a parked truck with the inside light stll on, so I opened the drivers seat door and a dead guy fell out. The I saw the silouhuette of the girl with the gun in the distance and she tried to shoot me. It got a lot weirder and a lot worse--but i won't bore you. anyway--i was pretty much terrified. Anyway...I have the weirdst dreams here! They are all usually really realistic and definately involve specific people that I know. Weird huh?
umm...i bought my very first pair of skinny jeans people! So many people wear them here...those and leggings are everywhere! So anyway--i gave in and bought a pair that were on sale! then to punctuate my surrender--I bought a pair of Chuck Taylors. Yay! they make me happy.
I'll end on that note. :)
out!

You MUST check this out!

I laughed. You will too.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dKPY258ibQE

Spite

Fine. In resentful response to all the online harassment I have been receiving regarding my lack of recent posts--I'm writing. And I hope it's horrible and you all regret reading it. Just to spite you.
Okay--so I'm slightly overreacting. Lately however, I find myself prone to courses of controversial action just for the sake of "spiting" people. (And for those of you who don't know the difference between "spitting and spiting," the only real factor that distinguishes the two concepts from one another is the fact that "spite" is much more satisfactory and generally accepted by the public whereas "spit" is not.
Unless you live in Kentucky. There it is required by law to spit at least as often as you swallow. Allow me to explain. We all know that Southern livelihood relies heavily on the consistent production of cotton and tobacco. Over the years, it has basically been discovered that cotton is useless in Kentucky. No one wears cotton t-shirts, (or shirts at all really!) and you can't chew it. In light of these ancient discoveries--tobacco became the center of agricultural amusement.
Anyway, back to the spitting.
Basically, Kentukian medical scientists have discovered that chewing tobacco is good for you. It reduces tooth loss and gives breath a most distinctive appeal. Besides it's green and it grows in the ground. It's practically a vegetable! For these reasons, parents all across Kentucky encourage tobacco in their homes. Tobacco birthday cakes are increasingly popular.

Actually, the "spitting" part of chewing tobacco wasn't practiced until later. That tradition was started when a local schoolboy became so good at spitting that he could hit any target within vision. His talent won him the attention of the schoolteacher who promptly married him. (He was thirty-five after all) He of course, modestly accredited his spitting ability to the tobacco--and his success with the ladies. His story was the beginning of the first movement in Kentucky since the Civil war. Suddenly, the entire male population was spitting. The habit eventually spread to include the women when it became clear that spitting was fashionable and attractive. Even better, now there was a use for their beards...

...and I'm done now.

Hint: If any of you are still sitting there, waiting for this entry to make sense—please blink once or twice and prepare to sit for a long time.

I must ask you all to not hold me responsible for anything that you just read. I just ingested large amounts of "tropical punch" coolade that was most likely compounded from wild flowers and leaves found in the exotic indoor gardens of Columbia.

Anyway.

I'm 18 now and I have a cell phone. I've discovered that I no longer crave popcorn and I really want a cat.
Today I watched Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley. Yep. She was sitting right there with me. It was really good. I'm actually considering watching it again which is pretty revolutionary.
Today there was a bird in my garage. It scared me to death and almost killed itself after running into the wall several times. It was a baby mourning dove. It couldn't fly very well, and couldn't seem to locate the open garage door.
Today I watched Alexander.
Today I almost died in the Walmart parking lot.
And today I bought deodorant.

This is the note I'd like to end on.
So for all of you who still don't regret demanding that I write--you will eventually. And then I'll laugh...just to spite you.