once upon a time

Snow

2009-01-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

I miss you like summer
The sky falls without you
here--lonely
little moths--to the ground and lies
in pinions. I kick up their winter
pick up their wings, dim,
the first dusks of their dark:
the dark between our fingers
the space between stars

My roommate is purple and turquoise usually; she likes Kelly Clarkson and basketball. She's dated a boy named Christian for almost one year, and she's loved him all along. Last February, his dad died in an accident at work and she cried for him, picked up his pieces, touched them all and whispered, "live, Christian."

Her best friend Jess called today, she's gone! Jess's mother died tonight and Jess thinks she will die tonight, and my roommate is driving five-and-a-half hours tonight, and the snow is lonely tonight.

Her mom had cancer; her death was anticipated, but not so soon, never so soon. I heard Marissa telling Jess at lunchtime, "Everything's gonna be okay alright?" The shock of death hurts me. I felt it when I touched Marissa, held her and let her shake. It stings.

"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

'Death is swallowed up in victory.'

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15

To my darling Mallory:

2009-01-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

I just received your lovely lovely lips in the mail. They were quite shiny! I have decided, since apparently my blog is "pretty much the only interesting thing unblocked on the internet" I will, for your sake, resume writing--for at LEAST today. :)

I do hope to hear from you, and I expect frequent updates on your current literary project, "Revenge of the Feather." The title is most promising.

This morning I had class at 7:50 in the morning, and my pillow was heartbroken when the alarm clock demanded my allegiance; I promised to return, however, and went to Computer Illustration where I was scheduled to present a project comprised of three vector images.

These are called "technical illustrations;" we were required to use black and white shapes to create a mechanical object.

I worked hard on the project. Unfortunately, I forgot to print my project on Friday, and the computer lab is kept locked on Saturday and Sunday. What to do??

With my hands clasped penitently and my most charming smile, I waited at the door for Professor Rudy (who incidentally, loves me) and greeted him with a sincere-- "MOST esteemed professor..."

I then proceeded to snatch his keys, unlock the lab, print, cut, and mat my project--and I was only 7 minutes late to class! VICTORY. Victory is sweet.

The rest of the day has been lovely so far...the only other class I had was Aerobic Exercise, after which I ate a bag of peanut MnM's and a Mango Smoothie. :) :)

Now I'm in my room, gently positioned in all of my mess: papers, folders, dropped change, half-written thank-you notes, post-its, photographs, haphazard jewelry, sticky tea cups. I just painted my nails--french-tipped-them, and listened to a John Piper sermon about fearless submission. He ended with a shout, of course; the declaration of Christ's love for the church.
"He died for her!" John said. "He died for her everlasting holy joy!" This is still ringing in me.

I love John Piper--especially this picture of him HAHA :)

He always says what I don't expect; He loves what is true, understands the beauty of truth, the shock of truth. Yesterday, I listened to him speak about sin--how he faces it again and again, how he is weak again and again. "Finally," he says, "I throw myself down beside my bed and say, 'Cut off my hand! Gouge out my eye! I will not yield!'." Basically he's telling God, "Hurt me! Frustrate me! Just don't let me sin against you." I want that. I want God to make me miserable if I'm not choosing to obey Him. I don't want to wander!

Anyway, so now is the quandary of what to do... I don't have much due tomorrow. I've heard that more snow is coming tonight. siiiigh. Snow has its place in romance, in lamplight, in winter, but I am ready for AIR. I'm ready for the sun...and AIR.

I recently learned the word "pinions"...fascinating, right? It means "wings" and I like it. I thought of two lines today that I like as well:

Today the wind was in your face
and every flag of me fluttered.

eeee! Read them out loud. They taste right.

I haven't written much lately, (considering my writing major!) but I will be attending a writing conference in two weeks at Taylor University. There was a small competition for writers, and one of my creative non-fiction essays, entitled "All Things" about art and love was accepted! I have to read it in front of the conference guests that Saturday...later there is a poetry workshop; I am nervously excited! There will also be two papers (one creative and one academic) selected as first place within their categories, and the writers will receive a small amount of prize money! I don't anticipate winning (especially since the conference is at Taylor University--I suspect Taylor students will win) but I still anticipate the chance; I can't help myself! Perhaps I'll post some of my essay later... :)

I will post SOMETHING now, however, of the art nature---I just bought an illustration tablet so I can illustrate in photoshop, and I just finished my first little digital illustration! I'm pretty excited.

I really just started with a doodle; perhaps someone could tell me her story? I am not entirely sure.
And now, I believe, I will do something productive...

I will write again!

2007-08-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

well--i'm sitting alone in my room. Summer is coming to a quick close, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming schoolyear. I'm sure I'll panic when i get my new workload, and I'll probably have at least one professor who is more concerned with the gold-plated title on his office door than his subject--but it'll be a change. I began summer floating on the newness of several jobs, the chance to see my friends again, church activities, and the possibility of a highschool musical 2 :), but now I believe that i'm laying on the bottom of the pool wondering how much longer I can hold my breath. It's not one thing in particular--but it has a lot to do with changed relationships--with my parents, my brothers, my friends... they're all perfectly normal and expected changes--but every one is like those frozen blasts on a January night that make it hard to breathe. I refuse to dramatically detail my disappointments--(as lovely as that sounds :) ) because there's no point in sitting around sighing and wishing for things to be different. If I'm going to be alive--then I'm going to be happy and busy!

This summer I've been taking the monday counseling classes at Faith-and I've learned so much! I've had an unexpected chance to be involved in one of the counselees lives, and I really love working with the biblical counselers. They're smart and they love their Bibles! One thing I've been impressed with is their ability to draw connections in scripture. Instead of slapping down some verse that seems relevant--they take the time to show how everything connects--thoughts, actions, emotions,--sin and consequences, obedience and blessings etc. They also have so many ways of pointing out the character of God--and helping the counselee to mirror that. I especially love the many many homework assignments that give measureable hope to hurting people who begin to observe their own progress throught the completed work. It's not about telling the person what they're doing wrong and then preaching a few sermons in their direction until they're "spiritual enough," it's about helping them install a Biblical worldview, and then help them take advantage of the divine resource in their lap! It is, after all, "inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness." (2 Tim. 3:16) I have seen this proven over and over again! The success of the counselee isn't just a surface change, or a better spiritual facade---but VICTORY. It is a complete change of motives, a new life purpose, and a desire to continue changing. sigh.... good stuff.

On a different note, i also have a job as a Mary Kay office assistant. It's lovely. :) It's basically the perfect job--i'm alone in a room full of makeup, catalouges, and yes--chocolate! Mmmmm... anyway--I just do whatever needs to be done--typing, website work, organizing, cleaning, sorting, filing, putting together sample bags and notebooks. It's great because it's always something different--but it's still routine.
that doesn't involve physical activity.
Which would lead me right into an introduction of my babysitting jobs. sigh.
They're actually not bad. I still watch Alexander from time to time, and I watch two little girls every week. It doesn't sound so exhausing right? I mean--I've always loved children, and how hard can keeping two little girls amused for 4 hours possibly be?
oh my..... allow me to briefly rant.
The girls are very nice. They love me to death, and I can't help loving them. The older one, Camden, is 6. She's got loose blonde curls, light blue eyes, pale skin, and she's pretty standoffish. She likes princesses, ballet, and playing school--where she gets to be the teacher and tell me what to do. Kalli, the younger girl is 4 now, and the complete opposite. She has dark skin, dark curls, dark eyes---very latino looking. She is HILARIOUS! Where her sister is quiet and timid, she is michievous enough for them both! She's the puddle jumper, the cookie snatcher, the one who will fight to the death for half of a potato chip. :) The other day we were coloring together. Cami, naturually, was drawing a series of princesses, dresses and tiarahs, but I couldn't tell what Kalli was making. So i asked her. Her very direct response was, "I'n drawin God....with hair!" Ohhhhhhh. i should have known.
I proceeded to ask her what color His hair was, and she informed me that God's hair was all different colors, "except purple. God does not like purple!" hehe.
Later on, we were playing some make believe game of my invention, where you would go into the magic closet and be transformed into something or someone else when you returned. Cami became a princess (we were all SO surprised!) and waved and curtsied beautifically. Kalli ran out and jumped with her arms out to either side.
"I'n a rainbowwwwwwww!"
I laughed. anyway--to wrap this up, the only reason that they are difficult to entertain is that they demand physical activity every second. They hate movies, complain about coloring, don't want to read, and they remember EVERY MAKE BELIEVE GAME WE'VE EVER EVER EVER PLAYED. And they want to play it again. and again. and again. sigh. I made the mistake of taking them on a dragon hunt ONCE. and now that's what they want to do EVERYTIME. Sounds right up my alley--but running around outside where it's a humid 99 degrees fighting imaginary enemies with magic shoes and keys and potholders and "poison detecting silverware," and the "neverending" money bag, and.......sigh............for HOURS.
And the thing is--the only way to make them forget ONE make believe game is to make up another one. Because they're always asking, "When are we going to play?" "Beccaaaaaaaa play with us!" or as Cami put it one day, "You're here to play with ME!" So there has been a series of adventures in that household, involving a never depleted string of evil stepmothers, and dress-up teaparties, and dancing princesses, and purple monsters.

I also still work at Mountain Jacks. not my favorite. It's a good job--and I'm glad that they take me back every summer--but you know....drama at the hostess stand. I could live without it. :)

Meanwhile--I've also been teaching art lessons this summer to 4th-8th graders. It's great stuff--and I've learned a lot myself in the course of teaching. yay! I don't know if I'll ever become a teacher--but I really really love it. I've been teaching 3rd grade sunday school as well--and it has been an adventure! :)

well, josie hume is at my house now, and we put in Disney's Snow White, and despite Miss White's neverending shriek of a voice, josie managed to fall asleep on my stomach--making it quite impossible to type. makes me happy. :)

So i will cut my rambling short and wait for snow white's prince charming to save her from the negative effects of the magic wishing apple. May all your dreams come true!

Silence is golden

2007-01-26T09:24:00.001-08:00

it really is. And I like it.
Question: Why is sitting by yourself sad?
Today after an especially good chapel, I beat the crowd and made it to the lunch hall just in time to reserve one of my favorite booths. The food was more than questionable, but I filled my plate anyway. I did choose to bypass the salad bar however. Salad's usually a good choice, but there was definately and large and very dead grasshopper in my roommate's salad last week. Bleh. I'm all for protein, but there's got to be a better way!
Anyway-so I got my food and sat down--by myself--no big deal.
I like sitting by myself--sometimes I prefer it! There's plenty to think about beyond the pretense of conversation. Besides, I don't get bored ever--and there is plenty to observe. For anyone who doesn't really know me, that's what I do. I watch people. Slighty creepy--i know.
But there are so many of them--and they all have different lives, and they're all thinking about something when their mouths are closed. I note the facial expressions, the mannerisms, the mismatched shoe laces and the little mole under a left eye. I see the way a group interacts--and I know which ones are friends, which ones were poilitely invited, which one is never taken seriously...and I see them think. The one on the fringe of the gathering--I know that she's sad. The guy nodding with his buddies doesn't really agree. I see people's self-counciousness, their pride, their disappointment.
All this while sitting by myself--which brings me back to my ranting. :)

Anyway--so I haven't been sitting for five minutes when a friend walks by.

"You're sitting by yourself?"

Whoa........apparently I am!
Are you asking because you're boycotting general intelligence? Helping me cope with reality? Tactfully assuming that I have no friends?

There were more after that.

Several more acquaintances made similar observations--"You're eating lunch alone?" and my personal favorite, "Why are you by yourself?"
Is there a law of physics that I'm not aware of? Am I offending my fellow students with 15 minutes of solitude? And beyond that--why do they feel sorry for me? Do I look sad? I mean, if you really find my plight so pathetic--why do you move on? You don't have to join me, but seriously---collect an offering or something!

Since when does "alone" equal "lonely"? It's bad enough when I eat by myself, or when people find out that I've never had a boyfriend. What's the deal? Maybe other people are incapable of functioning without someone "there for them," but I get the fork to my mouth just fine. I even managed some dessert.
Basically, I'm alone because I like being alone...and until I find something better, that's the way it's gonna be.

Alright. I'm done ranting. Now I will communicate like a human being. I promise.
I'm going home with my friend Whitney this weekend for her school's homecoming...yay! It'll be something different and fun. I'm also flying with her to Florida during spring break!!! I don't generally get excited about stuff--but I am sooo looking forward to it! I'm a big fan of the beach.
It's actually been alright here, with the snow and all. It hasn't been deathly cold, and the sun's still doing his thing--so I am happy. :)
I've been really busy with art stuff--so I didn't try out for this year's musical, but I'm not excessively heartbroken...at all. Meanwhile, the rest of my classes are going well and I love being here. I've made some new friends--still hang out with 1st semester people... Ooooooh! I went shopping the other day and bought a pair of shoes for six dollars!! They were completely unneccessary and way over the top but I didn't care. Basically, they're like, 5 inch heels COMPLETELY COVERED IN GOLD GLITTER. Sigh--I'm in love! I wore them to some kid's senior voice recital--that was fun. I went because I was invited, and because I like those singing boys, and...FINE, the Cheesecake Factory was like, sponsoring the reception!!!!! mmm.
Sparkly shoes and good food. I was a happy girl.

Well--I wrote cause I felt like catching up, but now I don't! :)
Soooo...until next time!

SURPRISE!!

2006-10-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm actually writing on my blog. I really doubt that anyone reads it anymore, but I just felt like mixing things up! I'm supposedly watching pirates of the carribean in the game room with Elaine and Ryan--but i have my laptop with me (obviously) and became distracted. Anyway--love the movie, but there are two ping-pong tables full of people gaming, and the sound of the ball, and getting hit with it more than frequently is slightly distracting. Hmmm....well tonight was interesting...Antigone play practice was horrible AGAIN. After telling us to "learn our fricking lines" the director definately walked out. Other than that, I missed a costume party in my hall (b/c of practice) and took a three hour nap after my first class this morning. Loverly!!! I had a drawing project due Monday, and a design project due today. Basically--i'm now broke and very sleepy. It's funny--the earlier I start a project the later I finish. Here i am, ATTEMPTING to end my habits of procrastination, and I still get minimal hours of sleep. Oh well i suppose. Hmmm...i had an interesting art trip to Chicago on Friday...we've begun writing prose in Creative Writing, i am getting my hair either dreadlocked, braided, cut, or streaked for the play (scary!)...can't think about anything else right now.
Ooooh! I had a scary dream last night that was really realistic--some mental girl was shooting people here at school. In the beginning of the dream i saw a parked truck with the inside light stll on, so I opened the drivers seat door and a dead guy fell out. The I saw the silouhuette of the girl with the gun in the distance and she tried to shoot me. It got a lot weirder and a lot worse--but i won't bore you. anyway--i was pretty much terrified. Anyway...I have the weirdst dreams here! They are all usually really realistic and definately involve specific people that I know. Weird huh?
umm...i bought my very first pair of skinny jeans people! So many people wear them here...those and leggings are everywhere! So anyway--i gave in and bought a pair that were on sale! then to punctuate my surrender--I bought a pair of Chuck Taylors. Yay! they make me happy.
I'll end on that note. :)
out!

You MUST check this out!

2006-08-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I laughed. You will too.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dKPY258ibQE

Spite

2006-08-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Fine. In resentful response to all the online harassment I have been receiving regarding my lack of recent posts--I'm writing. And I hope it's horrible and you all regret reading it. Just to spite you.
Okay--so I'm slightly overreacting. Lately however, I find myself prone to courses of controversial action just for the sake of "spiting" people. (And for those of you who don't know the difference between "spitting and spiting," the only real factor that distinguishes the two concepts from one another is the fact that "spite" is much more satisfactory and generally accepted by the public whereas "spit" is not.
Unless you live in Kentucky. There it is required by law to spit at least as often as you swallow. Allow me to explain. We all know that Southern livelihood relies heavily on the consistent production of cotton and tobacco. Over the years, it has basically been discovered that cotton is useless in Kentucky. No one wears cotton t-shirts, (or shirts at all really!) and you can't chew it. In light of these ancient discoveries--tobacco became the center of agricultural amusement.
Anyway, back to the spitting.
Basically, Kentukian medical scientists have discovered that chewing tobacco is good for you. It reduces tooth loss and gives breath a most distinctive appeal. Besides it's green and it grows in the ground. It's practically a vegetable! For these reasons, parents all across Kentucky encourage tobacco in their homes. Tobacco birthday cakes are increasingly popular.

Actually, the "spitting" part of chewing tobacco wasn't practiced until later. That tradition was started when a local schoolboy became so good at spitting that he could hit any target within vision. His talent won him the attention of the schoolteacher who promptly married him. (He was thirty-five after all) He of course, modestly accredited his spitting ability to the tobacco--and his success with the ladies. His story was the beginning of the first movement in Kentucky since the Civil war. Suddenly, the entire male population was spitting. The habit eventually spread to include the women when it became clear that spitting was fashionable and attractive. Even better, now there was a use for their beards...

...and I'm done now.

Hint: If any of you are still sitting there, waiting for this entry to make sense—please blink once or twice and prepare to sit for a long time.

I must ask you all to not hold me responsible for anything that you just read. I just ingested large amounts of "tropical punch" coolade that was most likely compounded from wild flowers and leaves found in the exotic indoor gardens of Columbia.

Anyway.

I'm 18 now and I have a cell phone. I've discovered that I no longer crave popcorn and I really want a cat.
Today I watched Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley. Yep. She was sitting right there with me. It was really good. I'm actually considering watching it again which is pretty revolutionary.
Today there was a bird in my garage. It scared me to death and almost killed itself after running into the wall several times. It was a baby mourning dove. It couldn't fly very well, and couldn't seem to locate the open garage door.
Today I watched Alexander.
Today I almost died in the Walmart parking lot.
And today I bought deodorant.

This is the note I'd like to end on.
So for all of you who still don't regret demanding that I write--you will eventually. And then I'll laugh...just to spite you.

2006-06-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

She hurled herself into the storm. Clouds, low and ominous, delivered chastizing streams of rain. The thunder shouted disapproval, and lightening issued close threats.
She smiled.
Wrapped in a hideous jacket, her pale face was barely visible. Dark curls trembled beneath her hood, dancing to the wind's temptation.
She shivered.
Damp and cool, a chill accompanied restless air. It was the intensity however, of the sky's release that sent a tremor of anticipation through her spine, and lifted the hairs on her arms and neck. Quickly scanning the yard for a dry place, the girl ran and ducked under the wooden platform of her childhood playset. Ignoring the dampness of the ground, she felt only the storm--its whirling confusion slowly uncurling in her chest.
She closed her eyes and breathed.
She loved it. The anticipation, disolving inhibitions...
The world was letting go.
A weather siren sounded in the distance, invading the privacy of her mind. With an irritated slap she brushed away an ant crawling on her ankle. Distaste clouded her face as the siren continued its long and obnoxious proclamation of the storm. No one understood the weather. Monolougues addressing hot and cold fronts, cumulonimbus clouds, and future forecasts did nothing to achieve her confidence in man's ability to explain away the weather. It wasn't something mastered by science and technology. No--it was a story.
She imagined.
Everyday, the sky snatched the vain wishes, shattered dreams, bitter resolve, passion and anger from the lips of strangers. It stole whispers and prayers from hot breath--carrying them to the empty expanse above the world. There, above the clouds, turmultuous sentiments gathered---churning and roiling, staining the sky black and making the air hot and oppressive. Hatred and love collided, jelousy and malice fought to outdo oneanother. Anger took the wind captive, using it as a weapon, to slash and stir and destroy. Finally, the sky would have no more. With a great flash of light, and a crash that mirrored the climax of discord--the sky struck out and subdued them.
There was silence.
Then, came surrender as every emotion declared defeat. Sumbissive to something greater, they dismissed desire and died---falling back to earth where they slammed the ground in a flood of tears...
Those who fear the storm do so rightly. They are overwhelmed by the merciless ferocity of their own hearts.
The girl slowly opened her eyes and propped her chin on her knees. The rain had begun to gentle---softening the ground it had formerly struck. The smell of earth and taste of wind slowly entertwined, dancing to the silent song of the storm. The air was lazy once again--quiet and curious. Touching her face, the wind silently probed her thoughts. She had witnessed the storm with different eyes. Did she understand? Had she followed the breathless story of conflict and resolution? Did she know?
Rising slowly from her sanctuary, the girl stood--smiling as raindrops kissed her outstretched arms and upturned palms.
She knew.

Random Children

2006-06-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well--yesterday after absorbing at least 3 liters of chlorine in Luke's pool, swallowing twice as much, getting a nice tan and a little closer to Joe than I would prefer, I watched Stephen Spielberg's giant rubber shark chew on people before collapsing in my room around 10:30. For those of you who haven't seen Jaws, let me vent. Okay--it really isn't a horrible movie...there are a few good jump scenes and...okay that's about it.
As a weathered and respected movie critic, these were a few of the problems.
#1 The actors. They were horrible.
#2 Okay, and the whole giant shark thing---I really wanted to believe it, I did!

It was fine until Mr. Speilberg decided to send his shark flying out of the water and onto the boat. I mean, I'm sorry, but the "hopping shark" was not impressive.
Maybe he should have used a stunt double.
Besides that, EVERYONE knows that sharks can't breathe unless they are moving. (Their gills are constructed in such a way that the shark must be moving, forcing water into the gills flaps so that the oxygen...Okay, I don't really know what I'm talking about---but what the heck do movie critics know anyway?!?) Point being--it's hard for me to believe that this shark could devour our fisherman friend out of water for five minutes. And the last thing about this shark, he like, couldn't close his mouth. He basically gummed his victims to death. My favorite was when guys on the boat start yelling that "he's biting through the ropes!" So then you see the glistening of the rubber sharks head, and the fury in his plastic eyes as Jaws somehow manages to "bite" through the ropes with his mouth open.
Maybe I'm rambling.
Maybe I make no sense.
But neither did JAWS and it made millions of dollars!

Change subject.

The title of my post "random children"refers to the insane amount of babysitting requests I receive on a daily basis. Like today for example. This morning at 8 o'clock, I watched the Worrell girls. Then, this afternoon, I went swimming with Alexander. And now, I have in my care FIVE CHILDREN. Of course, I'm not complaining. Just providing an intellectual reason for my post title.

Oh yes--and for all my fans who don't know yet (and care)

I'M GOING TO INDIANA WESLEYAN!!!!!

I went sometime last week to register and buy my books, and revel in the sweet confidence of my future. I'm really excited, and my summer has become even more enjoyable now that I don't have to worry about this anymore!

Well besides all of this---I got nothin'. I just fed all of my children French Toast sticks however, and the syrup with which they drowned this microwaved delicacy had an ungodly sugar content. Thus, I'm assuming that the random thuds, screams, and crashes coming from downstairs are telling me something. Either they've invented the lightbulb and are performing a ceremonious victory dance-----or Stephen has decided to give karate lessons.

Really gotta go! (I think I had a little to much syrup myself!)

Yeah yeah!

2006-06-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

Guys...I don't think I could adequately entail my undying love for this time of year!!!
After all the activity of graduation, all the food, all the guests, all the headaches---I discovered that I had completely forgotten what summer was like. I actually haven't really relaxed yet, but it's so weird to have no responsibilities, no homework, nothing for my parents to nag me about...
I think that the only cloud over my happiness is that my college plans are yet undecided. I'm to the point of insanity that makes me want to instantly murder the next insincere moron that robotically asks me where I'm going to college. Sigh. My parents and I were supposed to have the "discussion" yesterday, but our friends from Florida are still here. That has been interesting. For those of you who remember the Culps---there is never a dull moment. Sunday night---me, my mom, and Mrs. Culp went swimsuit shopping. Let's just say "unique sense of humor" and leave it like that. We ended up going to Walmart--outside of which is a large, inflatable waterslide. Now--first of all, it's almost midnight, and NO ONE is around. Plus, there's no water or anything running, and the huge inflatableness of this toy was practically begging us to try it out. Sooo... Mrs. Culp informed my mother that we were all going to climb it and try it out. If any of you know my mother--this is not something that she would even consider doing. (For such a classy person--doing something even slightly embarrassing/destructive/retarded is the equivalent of cussing out a baby rabbit in public.) Anyway, by the time Mrs. Culp had thrown the car in park in front of this gigantic temptation, and encouraged, persuaded, threatened, insulted, and begged my mother to try it---my mom still stubbornly refused. Finally, Mrs. Culp grabbed me and told me that I could come in my mom's place. So I did.

It was a glorious moment.
We looked around.
We gingerly stepped onto the inflated surface
We looked at one another--the triumph already in our eyes
We threw ourselves onto the highest part of the slide...
And discovered that, in spite of appearances---
THE SLIDE WAS NOT INFLATED. Instead of pumping it up and corking it like you're supposed to, Mr. Walmart had merely attatched a FAN to it, making it look full of air and able to support the combined weight of two American women. Well---it didn't. It basically collapsed on us. Actually kind of enveloped us. It had just enough air to inflate the part over our heads after it had pulled us down into its middle. So we basically got stuck, and couldn't stop laughing to help ourselves. Finally we rescued ourselves and dashed to our getaway car, where I then realized that I had left my shoes at the scene of the crime and had to go back for them. On my return, the waterslide was a pitiful sight. I think it'll probably be like that for a while.
After that, we went to IHOP and totally frieked out our waitress "Ivy." My mom and Mrs. Culp definately did not appear sober, and Mrs. Culp had a very friendly way of saying Ivy's name after every sentence of our order. Oh my.
Hmmm..
Well-for all of you insistent people who have bothered me about posting again---THERE. Happy now?
What's your happy juice?

Out.

oh my

2006-04-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
The first thing I thought when I walked into school today was, "I do not want to be here." So far, the thought has only become even more prominent. I really don't know why I feel tired. I'm sure my new job has something to do with it, as well as the plethora of events surrounding the end of the school year--but there's nothing that should leave me feeling like I've just been through the recent tornados.
Yeah, basically (besides the job,) there's nothing new. Please excuse the dryness of this post--when I'm tired--sense of humor's the first thing to go.
Speaking of humor however, I think Justin just provided me with the first laugh of the day. I suggested a hook-up with a certain cross-stitch queen--and the facial expression that ensued was priceless.
I'm done.

Yeeeeessss!

2006-04-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

Finally!
The repression and depression of bleak, horrible, apathetic, FREEZING COLD WINTER has been defeated! As I speak, the sun is streaming through the window, throwing an exhilerating brightness into the room. We got to go outside for art class today---and I was between crying and laughing hysterically for joy! FINALLY, the green is here, my skin is warm, the sky is bright, and I could lie in the grass of my front lawn forever---breathing in the essence of summer. (Although the front lawn is a pretty easy target for my little brothers and the garden hose!) Suddenly, my inhibitions are gone (well--not all of them--so don't worry.) and I find myself wandering around outside just to revel in the sensation of sunshine in my face. (that accompanies the lazy smile also located there.)
I actually wanted to write--even though every other female will probably write about the same thing. I don't know--am I the only one who harbors hate, loathing, spite, and passionate dislike towards winter? Everything's alive now, myself included.
What else to say? Nothing can express my happiness.
Yeeeesssss!

2006-04-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

oh yeah.
That's what I have to say about this year's tour. I was a little doubtful at first, about the whole shortened tour/11 hour bus ride down to Georgia and back, but IT WAS WORTH IT!
5:30, Wednesday morning, our fearless team pulled out of the church parking lot. The long drive down was actually not THAT extensive, and we definately found ways to amuse ourselves. We played card games, word games, electronic games, musical chairs, and extreme makeover. Emily had this awesome (and slightly addictive) lip gloss called "Lip Inflation" that make your lips tingle and well....supposedly become more voluptuous. Anyway, the vibrations of the bus evidently affected the mental capacity of several guys in the car, and they allowed us to paint their lips with the feminine concoction.

Our first stop was at Sam's church--and I enjoyed every bit of it. The weather was gorgeous (70-80 degrees!!!) and Sonnie, Danielle F., and I stayed with Danielle Alexander and her mom--the awesomest people ever. They live in part of this totally sweet cotton mill, provided 2 pizzas for our consumption, (as well as a loverly breakfast the next morning) and made us feel completely comfortable and at home.
Yeah Dani!

Anyway, after singing for their church then their school, we visited an army base thing also known as the "home of the infantry" pretty interesting and awesome--They showed us the towers where the airborne guys get dropped with their parachutes, and took us to the museum there. I enjoyed it and I didn't get lost. Hoowah!

Later, we left for Shiloh Hills Christian School to attend their dinner theatre.We got there pretty early and amused ourselves outside for at least 20 minutes.

It was absolutely beautiful--until Joey ate a worm for 2 dollars and Luke decided to roll down the rather steep hill in his khaki pants. But about the play---Hmmm... I guess I laughed a lot...(I'll leave the explanation to someone more capable than I. But for those of you who have experienced the movie "Prehisteria III", this had many amazing simalarities.

The next day we sang for their school chapel. They were nice. Among the people we met however, were two "Jesus girls" and Caleb. Somehow the latter ended up with our e-mail addresses after a 2 min. conversation. Maybe he just needs friends?
Oh my. That afternoon we got back on the bus for a drive to Mammoth Cave. And no (much to Emily's surprise) it is not shaped like a Mammoth. The tour guide was really friendly, and seemed to enjoy talking. We'd start out talking about the cave and end up discussing the atmosphere, war, and his childhood.

It was fun though. It was so weird to think that I was underground---and to see (literally) the acres of rock ceiling that was high above our heads. I asked the tourguide if he had ever gotten any strange questions about the cave.
"How much of the cave is underground?"
"How much of the cave is still undiscovered?"
These were only two of them (both asked --surprisingly--by females) No one in our group added to his collection of dumb questions however, although a certain someone was paranoid of bats, sudden noises, sudden movement, lung cancer, and the whole cave in general. Hehe--Emily--what would we do without you? With the aid of her vast scientific research, our group also came to the revolutionary discovery that the ostrich was the fastest flying bird in the world. But anyway, back to the cave. We visited one place in the cave where church services used to be held called echo river or something like that. Basically, it was called echo river because the church choir voices would echo when they sang. The tour guide then, having learned that we were a singing group, asked us if we'd sing a song for the rest of the people on the tour. IT WAS SO COOL. Not just the echo and the fact that we were singing in a cave, but a surprise ministry opportunity to all the people that listened to us sing "Almighty and Everlasting God." It was weird--singing underground in the dark, surrounded by huge rock formations and dusty limestone walls thinking about the people that sang there before us hundreds of years ago. Sigh. So cool.

Thus ended our tour and began the long drive home. Besides that fact that the window directly in front of my seat was practically falling off the bus and blasting cold air and rain in my face until I had enough sense to get up and move--the ride was fine. We were all glad to get home. Adrienne came home with me because my family's in Peoria now and coming home to an empty house is sad in a strange sort of way. Anyway, we stayed up till 2 watching Anastasia, (o yeah!) said our last goodnights of human civility to one another (it was a given that when I had to wake her up the next morning at 8 she would hate me :)) then went to bed. This morning has consisted of random attempts to get caught up on everything, but has been strangely relaxing. I'm glad I could get away from all the distractions for a while. I feel refreshed and refocused.

I'm ready for you life.

Crazy Asian Mom

2006-03-19T18:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=uVlIQpleZr8&search=crazy%20asian%20mom
Click on this! It has been my only relief during my days of solitude. It definately reminds me of my home experience.

2006-03-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hello friends...(cough)...this is (whimper) Rebecca, speaking from the (strangled breathing) depths of isolation. It's been a long time.
Since my last entry, I have had many things to write about, but lacked the time and parental permission to do so.
Sigh. FABA is now over, meaning that I'm now free to freak out about other things--like the school play. Currently cursed with a cold and cough and sore throat, my level of paranoia is rising.
Anyway, back to FABA--it went pretty well altogether. (Despite the speech judges conspiracy against our school.) We managed to evade disaster and embarassment most of the day, with the exception of handbells. Allow me a few moments to vent my thoughts concerning this activity. Every Mon, Wed, and Fri morning, my troop of loyal comrades and I trudged to school in the early hours of the morning to practice. After setting up tables, sorting notebooks, pulling on 2 different sizes of white wrinkled gloves, and waking ourselves up with the shrill clangs of our bells, we began. There are 3 kinds of bellplayers. (or "ringers" if you so prefer) The first kind knows his music well, has perfect rhythm, can read music, and generally never makes a mistake. With the exception of Emily Rausch on a good day, these people are extinct. The second kind is more plentiful. This person has an overall eager outlook on life, and plays each bell with undampened enthusiasm (loud and strong!)-----4 pages ahead of everyone else. The third and final person is only partially confindent in his ability. He has his notes highlighted and practically memorized, but for some reason, the connection between his brain and his hands suffers a 5 minute delay. The result---he rings his bell 3 times after every missed note, hoping to compensate for his delay. Anyway, with a combination of these people, the Faith Christian School handbell ensemble managed to successfully masacre our song. It was an emotional time. As a matter of fact, when we realized the song was dying, we collectively took a step back from the table and participated in a very moving moment of silence. (Actually, we did all stop playing---with the exclusion of Tirzah, who continued to ring her bell mournfully while cursing under her breath.
Sigh again. O the drama.
I don't know what I'm turning into. Since my isolation, my sense of humor has rapidly declined--I have become a dry source of sarcasm. Also, I've adopted a frightening new habit. RESPONSIBILITY.
Somebody help!!!!!
Well--I have to go teach sunday school now--we're actually having an ice cream/movie party because it's my last week of teaching. (sniffle.)
Until next year. (Don't forget me!)

BIG NEWS!

2006-02-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

I winced as a shower of rose petals fell from the stem I was holding, leaving it bare and no longer beautiful. Tossing it aside I picked up the next flower. Turning it over gently, I careful twisted the long green wire around the length of its stem--supporting the blossom and insuring the rose a longer life. I was not long into my task when I heard the familiar shuffle of my brother's footsteps in the doorway. The twinkle of a smile danced over my face as I heard him take an opening breath. I was getting pleasantly used to my little brothers' random intrusions. Each day brought a new cause, and I was never sure what problem or proposition they would present me with next. Yesterday, I walked into my room to find 100 pennies scattered all across my desk top. Later, Jono came in and asked me (with an enormous smile) if I had found them. I of course, replied that I had, and asked him what they were for. At this point, he threw himself around my neck, kissed my cheek and shrugged.
"Just 'cause..." was the only answer I received before he danced out of my room.
Point made, I heard Stephen outside my door, and turned to meet the clear blue eyes and freckled face I have come to love. The corner of his lower lip was turned up slightly, so I knew that he was proud or excited about something. Nevertheless, he kept a serious face, and began to speak, using what he believes is his "changed voice." (some kind of forced monotone that he tilts his chin down to accomplish--but feels very manly after doing so.)
"Rebecca?" pause. another breath. "Do you still use your pro-active?" (Acne treatment)
"Ummm...yeeeeeessssss..." I raised my eyebrows in expectation.
"Oh." He turned and began to mess with the things on my desk--waiting for me to ask why he wanted it.
I didn't.
Finally he couldn't bear the silence any longer.
"Mom wanted me to ask you." another pause. "She...well...I guess I have one on my chin."

MY LITTLE BROTHER JUST GOT HIS FIRST ZIT!!!!!!
WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Where has the time gone?! What happened to that chubby roll of a baby that I used to decorate with dandelions and swing by his toes? It's hard to believe he'll be in Junior High next year. And that I won't be there to cheer him on....sigh! I'm definately sticking around though. If I get this Indiana Wesleyan art scholarship, then I'll go there. I would love being so close! I could come to all of Stephen's games, and the school plays, and keep my brothers out of trouble. I can't wait till they're in highschool and I can just, swing by and take them out for the day. Of course, by then, I won't be cool anymore.

Hmm...changing the subject--I taught Sunday School again, and received the same amount of random amusement as is guaranteed any job involving children. One little girl (the same one who gave me the valentines last week) asked if she could sing a song for the class (in the middle of lesson time!) I eventually allowed her to, and the next 10 minutes were spent listening to all 11 verses/versions of "Peter, James and John in a Sailboat."
When lesson time resumed, I asked this question: Why is it so hard to be kind to our enemies?

Boy #1: (hand politely raised. I am impressed--i call on him) "Miss Rebecca--if you had to pick one of us as your favorite--who would it be?"

So you're thinking--well, for a random comment that's not so bad. And it wasn't. But I was in no way prepared for the next child!

Boy #2: (I'm surprised that he's participating. He usually gives me trouble) "Umm..well...once, I was having this nightmare, and E.T. was next to my bed trying to eat me...and, um...cuz I always have scary dreams about him, and he--well--he was wearing, like, this cat suit, and he jumped on me and I tried to punch him to the wall, but he just was still eating me, and.............(?!?!?!?! WHAT?!?!What does this have to do with anything? And have you ever considered medical help?)

Well, our house is sinfully freezing, and my hands are almost numb, so....later!

Thoughts

2006-02-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

Spinning a rather chubby child around in circles for the last 5 minutes had begun to take its toll. Looking down into the child's face as she jabbered endless 2 year old talk, I nodded and smiled patiently--clueless as to what she was trying to tell me, but still attempting to reassure her of my interest. A wail waivered my attention. There was some sort of commotion at the drop off door, and a couple nursery workers were engaged in the painful process of mother/child separation. Finally, the door opened, and a little girl stumbled in, her tiny hands pressed to her face. I caught my breath. The little girl only came ever so often, and each time she did my heart broke. Today she was wearing a thin, worn spring dress--insuffiecient covering for the winter months and the chill of the building. The faded yellow print made her unsmiling face look sallow, and accented the dark circles beneath her eyes. Her thin brown hair was uncombed, and immpossibly matted in the back. She wore mismatched tennis shoes that were each a different size and added at least two inches to the length of her feet. She had no socks, and her underclothes were so big that they bunched up and threatened to fall off completely. I placed the child I had been entertaining back on the floor and walked slowly over to the newcomer. She stood unmoving--tears in eyes that seemed to see nothing. When she did move, it was almost wraithlike. She distanced herself from the other children as if that is what she was accompanied to doing, and did not smile. I made my way slowly toward her. She still seemed to disregard me, dully fingering a toy car across the carpet. Gently, I picked her up. She was unsurprisingly light, but the limpness of her tiny body was alarming. It was as if she couldn't hold herself up. I pulled her into my lap and began to play with her. My only reward was a long, blank stare.
Later, after song time and the lesson, I was back to my usual routine of throwing children into the air, "flying" them, playing a dangerous amount of Ring-around-the-Rosie, and chasing the only two boys in the class of 12--that somehow made up for their small number. At this moment, I was helping them "jump," hurling them up towards the ceiling, catching them, then making loud exclamations to how high they went. I noticed the little girl standing and observing, so I held out my arms and asked her if she wanted a turn. She walked to me and took my hands. After repeating the activity, I saw something new on her face---expression. It wasn't a very readable one, but it was there all the same. I marked this as progress. Meanwhile, one of the other workers had combed her hair, and I brushed it out of her face and into a little ponytail. I was surprised to find that she was actually very pretty, and began to see a little more life in her round grey eyes. Near the end of classtime, she walked over to me and stood, picking at her dress as most 2 year olds do. With a smile I began to talk to her--laughing and teasing until I finally swung her around and held her.
I witnessed a tiny miracle. She didn't laugh or giggle, but lit up with a soundless smile. For a moment, the emptiness of her face was filled, and whatever burden she carried seemed to fall--forgotten. For children that smile all the time, joy does not have an obvious effect. This little girl however, was transformed. The smile of course, only lasted for a couple seconds, but my heart was ready to explode. Before I left I hugged her one last time with all the love I am capable of.
"Goodbye..." I began to whisper, then realized that I didn't know her name. I moved her hair aside and read the sticker nametag on her back.
I sat back and looked at her--speechless at the irony of my next word.

Hope.

Her name was Hope.

_________________________________________________

Well--after nursery, I headed over to my 2nd grade sunday school class--which is of another tone entirely! For some reason,they were all extremely hyper, loud, and random (more so than usual anyway!) After a few minutes of discussion about their weekends and the upcoming valentine's day (which started a lot of laughing and finger-pointing and "I know who you like"s and girls in adamant denial) we got to the lesson. Now, I'm not sure what it is about children--but they rarely understand the meaning/point of a given question. They view all questions as an
opportunity to tell a story that lasts ten minutes about their new Star Wars game, or Peyton Manning, or what their siblings did to them sometime last year, or the monumental vacation they took to their great Aunt Mildred's house.
Of course, there is always one child that is capable of answering every question correctly every week, but I try to call on everyone--giving them a chance to participate.
For example: I ask the question, "What are some ways that we can be a good testimony to our friends?" Here is how it went today.
Child #1 (very "high strung," randomly gets up, throws himself on the floor, or runs around the classroom. He has his arm stretched as far as it will go and looks very excited to share his input. I call on him)
"Yes?" (Here the kid jumps out of his seat.)
"Do ya wanna hear a noise?" (Of course, I am thinking at the moment that I would like to hear anything but a noise, but before I can respond, he lets out a very high pictched scream/cough noise that was both alarming and COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. After exchanging confused glances with my helper, I called on the next kid who imformed me,
"I know how to look like a monkey on the monkeybars!"
(Umm...okay...that's nice....?) HE then proceeded to pull off a very accurate monkey imitation that accomplished Evolution in 10 seconds--
when the entire 2nd grade decided to be monkeys.
I finally got them somewhat back on track and reitterated my question. I got a few good answers, but they soon led back to the normal assortment of random stories that seemed to compete with eachother:
"I talked to my neighbor about coming to church so I could have a good testimony..."
"MY neighbors don't go to church..."
"One time, my neighbor told me.."
"Yeah? well my neighbor HIT me!"
"I don't have a neighbor."
"My neighbors have this dog that..."
"I used to have a dog..."
"When I grow up I want to be a dog trainer!"
"I'm going to be a ballerina!"
"Ewwww....gross!"

And so the discussion usually ends about here, because by this time, I've racked my brain to think of a way to tie in what they're saying with the lesson--and failed.
Near the end of class, the kids were completing their papers when one boy called me over.
"I have a question." He looked very serious and motioned for me to sit next to him before continuing. (I am, of course, expecting a deep question about our lesson discussion, or the Bible verse, or something.)
He went on. "If your husband was a guy in the navy, or the army, or the air force, or (he listed every division/branch of the armed forces he could think of)...and you had a kid, and then one day your kid got a friend...maybe he seemed nice and stuff, but he was really mean and he was always trying to beat up your kid and he didn't know what to do---would you tell your kid to fight or run?"

And that was the question.

I came up with some answer--but am still overwhelmed by the way a 2nd grader's brain works. I never know what to expect and will never look at the world the same way again!
I love my class though--it's one of my favorite things to do...I wish I could spend individual time with all of them and get to know them better!

Wow. This has been a long post. Therefore, I would like to leave you with a valentine that one of my 2nd grade girls gave me to read outloud to all the boys in the class. (Get 'em all at the same time--sounds good to me!)

Dear Boys,

Happy Vallintins Day:

Roses are Red.

Vilets are blue.

Boys are swet,

But girls rool.

And I mean that with all of my heart.

Goodnight.

A cliche post about college

2006-02-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

I won't obsess too much, but I visited IWU again today and really liked it. (As in, even more than last time) I've already discussed all of this with my parents, so I don't feel like posting all the pros and cons (and you wouldn't care anyway) so I'll just change the subject, discuss my life, and leave my post title completely irrelevant.
Whew! The conference is over, and even though I enjoyed my little job--I'm relieved. This week has just been strangely draining. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I feel restless and discontent. The result is a very snappy Rebecca that generally bites people's heads off at the slightest provocation. (Ah well--at least the death is quick and painless) Anyway, I think I'm tired. The Moldovans (all five of them) stay up until 12am almost every night playing pool outside my room, laughing and making fun of eachother. Then yesterday, I cleaned Aruna's kitchen, which although it sounds minimal, was really quite arduous. I ended up waxing her wood floors by hand. (and in a skirt!) I pulled the granny trick of transforming a skirt into coolots, (I'd try to explain it, but I'm afraid my description of the process would be misinterpreted! Ask me about it sometime though, and I'll explain it.) clipped all my hair back, got out my bucket and rag and set to work. It wasn't until Alexander came in and almost died laughing at me that I realized how strange I probably looked. Ah well. I got it done! As if he should laugh anyway...in his adorable highwaters/socks with sandals/chocolate smeared over a mischevious grin...we actually made a pretty funny pair!! As much as I joke about "my child," he's most definately my favorite little boy ever, and I will miss him desperately when I move away. I'm afraid he'll like, grow up while I'm gone--and it's hard for me to reconcile myself to the thought of someone else "taking my place"...

Hmm...well...I just consulted with my inner self and have decided that I either need to hang out with people soon, retreat to the solitude of my room with a book, get a life, or take medication.

So goodbye.

Deep Breath

2006-02-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

I listened with satisfaction to the beeping of the microwave and retrieved my mug of African tea. Allowing it to warm my hands, I brought it close to my face, breathing in the distictive flavor while steam rolled over my face---soothing and relaxing.

Then I burnt my nose.

(I'm not sure how, but either the glass was fuller than I thought, or my nose is very long...)

Anyway...that was just part of my day. Most of it was spent in the cold chemistry lab at school selling books for the conference. It sounds bad but it really isn't. Not the most fascinating occupation of course, but nice. I basically just set up and maintain a miniature library while also running the cash register. I've discovered a new and deep love for the click click click ding! sound of that little machine. It provides many moments of amusement during my long hours of labor. Also, I receive regular visits from my friends who are taking the conference (and the entertainment accompanying them.) Besides that, I draw on the board, (then erase it really fast and look guilty when a person walks in. I don't know why I look guilty--all I do is write my name as many different ways as I can think of, but the unexpected intrusions never cease to make me throw the marker down and smile suspiciously!) play with my palm pilot, attempt to focus and write scholarship essays, read the books I'm selling, (or at least the first part of every chapter so that I can sound convincing and professional when I offer each customer my intelligent assessment of the reading material.) and...that's about it. The day actually goes really fast, and my only complaints would be the temperature and the shirt I wore today and didn't like.
Ummm...I babysat Alexander again and somehow lost a bag of groceries on my way from Aruna's van to the kitchen. (or so I've been accused) I really wouldn't be surprised if I did! I don't know why I've been so tired this week, considering all I do is stand around all day, but I return home pretty out of it. This afternoon, I tried to put the confectionate sugar in the refridgerator and DID put the "refridgerate only" waffles in the pantry. I can't seem to remember what I'm supposed to be doing...but what's new?
Hmmm...I can't really think of anything else. I watched American Idol.
Oh! and I rode my brother's bike to Aruna's house. It was weird. I haven't ridden a bike in SO long...and there I was, heartily pedaling (swerving!)down the road with my huge lip bag (duffel bag with lips on it actually)slung over one shoulder, throwing me horribly off balance. (It kept hitting the front wheel, making the entire bicycle jump, and the momentum of it swinging back and forth made the bike do the same.) Not to mention that my hands were numb, my too-big coat was ballooning out behind me, I couldn't see well because I was wearing my glasses, and I had on backless tennis shoes that inhibit any kind of progressive pedaling.
Ahh well...The only other thing I can think of is a poem I wrote in my hours of solitude. IT IS NOT WRITTEN TO ANY OF YOU AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So for all you wishful thinkers--NO. It's just...poetry. You take a tiny (or non-existent!) emotion and play on it. I think my warning is now sufficient so here goes...

One day, cold and unfeeling,

One tear fell down my face.

One finger made it vanish,

While another took its place.

One sigh broke through the darkness,

One whisper of "alone..."

One cry pervaded silence,

And I knew it was my own.

Then truly unexpected,

One moment found surprise.

You met my gaze and smiled,

My reflection in your eyes...

One glance is all I needed,

One dream had just come true--

The sun expelled the emptiness

I knew the one was you.

Well anyway, 'till nextime!

a lapse

2006-02-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

Guess what I'm doing?
EATING POPCORN!!! Which means that I currently love my life, and although my head is still faintly pounding with echoes of former chaos, my brain is functioning minimally--observing nothing but the pleasant crunch of my popcorn.
I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. (sleep...the word sounds almost familiar...) The week went by super-fast for me, and by the end, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep ahead of myself. Is it my imagination seniors--or do we have a lot going on? I mean, no it's not impossible, and yes, I pretty much make life harder for myself because I'm irresponsible, but I feel torn in every direction!

Oh well...it will all be over soon.

And so will this post...i really can't think of any recent thoughts to discuss. The only strong thoughts I had all day today involved my mechanical pencil. And so I will tell:

I only have one left from the original set of ten and basically guard it with my life. Writing with a mechanical pencil is so satisfactory that I opt not to use anything else unless required to. Therefore, I am always careful to put it away after I use it--insuring that I don't misplace it or leave it on my desk for the next pair of greedy hands. This however, presents a problem. When I put my pencil away, I put it in one of two places: #1 The small pocket in the front of my backpack, or #2 My purse. The conflict re-arises every time I sit down for my next class and reach to get the pencil. I basically undergo mental interrogation. Did I put it in my bag...or my purse? Bag...or purse? I must have put it in my bag...(slight pause as I begin to unzip the pocket) No wait! I put it in my purse! I distinctly remember puting it there (I now bend down to grab my purse, knocking approximately everything off my desk and almost falling over in the process. Finally, I get the purse and look inside.) I know it's here somewhere...(I rumage through the endless collection of random stuff, taking out most of my purse's contents and laying them in my lap.) I know I put it in here! (still feeling around for it) Fine. Maybe it's in my backback--but if I can't find it there, I'll have to go through my purse again...I'll just keep the purse out for now. Here I carefully lean down, one hand holding my opened purse and its spilled contents in my lap. I reach for my backpack---and everything falls out of my grip for a second time. Now however, I don't really care. I have only one mission in mind. With both hands, I heave my backpack on top of my desk. Annoyed and dissconcerted, I rip open the pocket only to discover an assortment of out-of-ink pens and unsharpened pencils. My mechanical one is nowhere. Aaaaahhh! But whatever. It's fine---I can deal! (I settle for a slightly chewed pen.) Finally, after discontentedly scrawling notes that are full of mistakes, the bell rings. I somehow manage to stuff all of my things back into their places and pick up my book. A blank expression crosses my face as my book reveals what fate would not. There is my mechanical pencil, resting calmly on the cool surface of my desktop. At this time, only one thought has penetrated the stunned state of my brain. I hate life.

Yes, yes--this story is sad but true. And the drama begins each new class period...

But anyway...We don't have school next week! I'm looking foward to working at the conference, and no homework. Also, we have 5 people from Moldova staying with us (most of them stayed with us last year--they're awesome!) which means lots of late night laughter, stories, good food (my mom practically bought a restaurant to feed us all) and that I have to share my bathroom with all three of my brothers. Yeah. That would be the downside. Oh well. I suffer in silence. (Unless the toilet doesn't get flushed!---Then vengeance will be mine!

Well...

Have a nice break--and have a nice life.

empty

2006-01-29T17:22:00.000-08:00

Well. I feel strangely silent.
After all of yesterday's action, and the temper flares, random giddiness, and laspses of loneliness last week, I think I have been drained of all emotion. This seems to be a growing condition. Somedays I think that you could tell me the most shocking thing you know, and I would just look at you blankly, knit my eyebrows, and absently nod my head (while I wonder how I'm supposed to be responding!) NOTE: I am NOT encouraging you to try this or anything. I can only imagine what you'd come up with...

Anyway, on a random note: do you ever just consider your current life and wonder how it got that way? Why things happen the way they do? Why everyone elses life seems so complication-free? Why everything you do, even your very personality seems to invite unwanted...problems?!
(and by the use of "you" in these sentences, I really mean "me" or "I")
How does my life get this way? I have a general plan of what I want to do, am taking slow and steady steps to accomplish my goals, have a nice set of standards, and just try to get through each day through God's grace. But somehow, reality's not so clear-cut. I can't just choose a college, I have to research/compare/analytically challenge each college's pros and cons. I can't just choose a major, I have to factor in job opportunities, housing, state of residence, and marriage--of all things! I can't just have normal, growing, healthy, and beneficial friendships with nice people, I have to invent non-existent problems and deal with so much that I definately don't ask for!
Not that all of this is bad. I'm learning from experience and will hopefully and eventually benefit from all of this. I'm glad that I have parents who help me think things through, and I'm glad that I'm dealing with these issues now. I guess I just want to know when things will simplify---or if they ever will.

dispirited sigh.

Well--yesterday I visited my childhood house with Meg and Adrienne. I lived there until I was 11, and I love going back for some reason. Sentimental value I suppose.

Anyway, the man that lives there now cut down all of our flowers, trimmed all the lower branches off the tree that I spent half my life in, and completely destroyed "the fairy bush"--a huge green plant with enormous, bright purple blossoms. I used to sit in the little space between its branches and the side of the house and construct little "fairy houses"--hence the name. I took a few pictures, and it made me feel really funny. On one hand, just being there again took me back in time and invited a semi-permanent grin across my face. On the other hand, I felt strangely empty. The house was just kindof...barren. Empty and spiritless. It seems weird, but I felt this the most when I witnessed what they had done to my little tree. For those of you who couldn't have guessed, I was a very strange child; very impressionable and willing to try anything. I played in that tree everyday--sometimes with a book, doll, diary, or sketch pad. Christopher had his tree right next to mine, but I definatley had the better of the two. Thick branches created a seat, and there was even a branch where I could prop a book. It actually wasn't that big of a tree (though it seemed so at the time) so the wind easily shook it, especially the smaller, higher branches, creating an endless source of entertainment. Anyway...seeing it cut the way it was made me feel...funny. I walked over to see if my initials were still carved in it, but noticed dejectedly the large amount of bark that had developed on the formerly smooth branches and knew that my carvings had been covered. Looking up once more with a parting sigh, I noticed something else--tied between two branches was the length of rope I had used as a back support. Really, rope and backsupports are not very sentimental at all, and not nearly as romantic as carved initials, but I was instantly fluttery with excitement to see that it was still there.

Anyway...
Strange things make me happy. Like Peach Orchard Punch.

What's your happy juice?

Busy busy busy.

2006-01-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

Well, today moved quickly. I woke up bright and early and popped in my rarely used Charlotte Church CD so that I could warm up for ISSMA competition, turned it all the way up, helped my family get a joyous start to their saturday morning, grabbed a banana, and drove to Harrison with my supportive parents.
By the time we got there, I was totally ready to sing, and convinced my self during the performance that I was some famous singer. I remembered my blog post from yesterday, so instead of thinking about what I sounded like, I just focused on the performance delivery. It went better than I had hoped, and I exited victorious with a gold medal.
Everybody in our group did well, and for the most part enjoyed our time there. We did have a TON of waiting around though, and ended up all sitting in the hallway, talking about guys and how we absolutely don't like them (yeah, whatever!), while I got kindof camera happy.

Don't ask...

But moving on to a very irritating matter of serious importance--
As most of you know, I have a great love and passion for well-written, thought-through, sentimental, inspiring literature. One genre of this hobby is poetry. I mean really, I love it. Anyway, today as I was walking cheerfully down the crowded halls of Harrison Highschool, I came face to face with the most horrible representation of literary art imaginable. There, posted on the wall, was a poem. Meant to be a model and standard to other poets, it was displayed proudly and prominently.

I wanted to vomit.

Because I can hardly speak for rage and frustration--I will let you read this poem yourself and draw from it your own conclusion. I am in personal favor of burning it--as it is definately a friek demonstration of human derrangement.

Well--now that my fingers are shaking so that I can hardly type, I will change subjects.

After competition, I went with Luke and his family to celebrate his birthday. The restaurant we went to had one of those "if it's your birthday we'll give you a cake and candles and make everyone sing to you" policies, and I think everyone in Indiana decided to have their birthday today and in that restaurant. After stuffing ourselves to the point of danger, singing happy birthday at least 15 times, admiring the strange and random pictures on the walls---(this one was my personal favorite!) we returned to Lafayette fat and happy.

Now finally, I'm in the comfort of my home, staring at the computer screen as my fingers move voluntarily and my eyes begin to close...

Sigh!

Nada

2006-01-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

The days between each post are becoming more numerous, and I feel like I'm becoming the average blogger--thoughts few and far between, and writing only to retain the title of, well..."blogger."
I guess there's been a lot that's happened---I had a little fall in with a deep and cold lake, experienced the joy of wheelchairs, and discovered that I could live without popcorn. (Although as a result existence is purely miserable!)
Oh--and I sang with the radio in my car (the word my being used loosely) at the top of my lungs, with absolutely no inhibition for the first time in my life. It was weird. I think I must always be too concerned with general opinion and "embarassment," because it was definately a stretch. I had to keep convincing myself that no one could hear me, no one could see me, and no one would care anyway. But still, dumb stuff like that makes me nervous or something. I have the same deal in other cases too. For example: commenting on other people's blogs. I seriously sit there for a long time, reading, re-reading, and considering what I write. I think about its conversational tone, the kind of mood it sets, what it communicates, what it could communicate, and what I want it to communicate. It's even worse when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone. The same mental processes take place, only at greater speeds and more prone to mistakes.
I guess I've always wondered--do other people do that? Do you do that? It must be good to some degree--because all that extra thinking aids my "superpower" of intuitiveness.
Grrrr! Even that! I sat there for at least 30 seconds debating whether to put quotations around the word "superpower" or "intuitiveness."
And that! Should I have written "debating WHETHER to put" or "debating IF I SHOULD put"......

I give up.

(Now, a mental pause as I read what I have written so far, shake my head, and begin revising.)

Now that I think of it... maybe I should take "randomness" lessons or set daily "random" goals. Then again...I can be pretty random. What exactly IS my problem? Do I just over analyze? Am I strictly judgemental? Am I obsessive? Do I care too much? Is it wrong to notice things like this? (These habits are not limited to only critiquing myself!) Is is wrong to be so easily irritated by the disorder of detail?

Sigh

Well I have FABA tomorrow morning and probably could use some healthy sleep. I've been a mess this week, I can't seem to remember, find, or hold on to anything. And by not remembering things, I'm not just talking about my physics calculator, or the English test, or my spanish homework--I can't even remember my own thoughts...or what happened the day before, or what mood I'm in, or what I'm supposed to be doing...

Sigh again.

Goodnight.

Newfound truth

2006-01-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

Better is one day in your courts...than thousands elsewhere.

This used to be a truth that I nodded and smiled at, but inwardly rejected. I mean, really, we know heaven's great and all, but who really wants to go there without first fully enjoying his days on earth? Seriously--before this morning, I'd always held the adament viewpoint that I should be allowed to enjoy my life to its full extent before I had to go to heaven--a place in my selfish mind where endless singing and light could get annoying. Who doesn't want to get married someday? Or experience the exhileration as the first child is placed into trembling arms? Or see that same child grow up, graduate and begin her own family? Who doesn't want to enjoy easy life after retirement and die only when he's nothing more to accomplish? Maybe you can't relate, but these thoughts have been obstinately prominent in my sinful thinking.
But this morning, as the praise team sang these words--the congregation seemed to hold a collective breath as truth resounded throughout the room. It was in this moment that I came to agree with their proclamation. This world is so finite! My current state of survival isn't my life!--the most joy that I can imagine now is only a fleeting shadow, an intangible vapor in comparison to the eternal happiness I will experience in the presence of the one who created laughter--who ordained each breathtaking moment, and who has prepared heaven to be the everlasting "grand finale" to the small taste of life that we sample here.

Better is one day in your courts,

Better is one day in your house,

Better is one day in your courts,

Than thousands elsewhere...

Than thousands elsewhere.

I can now sincerely say with irrepressable excitement that I am ready to go home...whenever He wants me.

Interesting

2006-01-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

Well, today I got up bright and early to prepare for play practice. After having the time of my life--I remembered/discovered that my favorite cousin ever was having her homeschool fine arts competition at our school. Although it was generally alarming, and I've never seen so many 1/2 inch bangs, collared dress with tennis shoes combinations, chest high waistlines, and penny loafers in my life, it was alright. Not all of them were like that of course, and I can't say anything too bad because lots of people that I love are homeschooled and cool.
Anyway, Lauren competed in humerous interpretation and (like a loyal and forever faithful friend) I stayed to watch all four of her performances. Then, after a very long day (during which I ate hardly any food and was therefore ready to go home and plunge into the loverly supper that my very own grandmother prepared for me) we all went to my grandma's and hung out. During this time, I'm not sure what happened, but either there was something in the food, or we all are naturally strange, but we got pretty weird and had lots of fun.

(Notice the amazing family resemblance)

Sigh. Now I'm at home, can't seem to focus one bit on writing, and I miss my cousin already.
Well anyway--until next time, for who knows what the new day may have in store?

All over!

2006-01-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

Well--I'm glad that today is coming to a close.
This morning I slept in sufficiently, lazed around the house, and finally decided to take my brothers out to eat and with me to finish some shopping. They excitedly agreed, and we set out. I know it sounds pathetic, but I've never driven to the mall by myself, and wasn't quite sure I even knew how to get there. Fortunately, my intuitiveness came into play, and I was able to reach my destination in good time with absolutely no level of mishap. We had fun, walked around, talked, bought dippin-dots (which my brothers had never had before and I found quite satisfactory) and decided to return home. It was then that I learned something new. My supply of intelligent intuition is limited. Substantially.
Somehow, I got lost coming home from the mall, we didn't get to eat, and I had minimal time to prepare for the game....to make a long story short, I got on the Granger-bound bus a very irate/disgrunted/dissappointed/dissatisfied female. Anyway...it turned out that both of our flyers couldn't come, and another one of the girls stayed home sick. So all five of us had to make do AND have a good attitude. The two and a half hour drive went a little more quickly than i expected, (although the drive home was nothing short of EVERLASTING!) and the game flew by so quickly that we seriosly wondered if someone was messing with the clock. I was able during this time however, to find my way to the concessions stand and purchase a bag of long-craved popcorn. And that's about it. I just got home about 30min. ago and feel like I need to release one enormous sigh. I won't even try to express how I feel about games that are scheduled over breaks.
Hopefully tommorrow is a little more relaxing. I've felt kinda funny lately.
So anyway...till then!

2006-01-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

There was a lapse in the chaos. The black slowly faded away, revealing a rainy grey world in slow motion. The girl adjusted her weight in her seat and blankly surveyed her surroundings. Distant laughter met her ears as smiling faces exchanged bright-eyed glances, and everywhere lips parted in cheerful conversation. Voices mingled and blended into some version of harmonious discord; providing accompanament to the heavy drumming of rain on the windows. The bus floor vibrated beneath her feet and forced her into an uncomfortable state of thoughtless attention.

The girl rested her face against the window. The air's icy chill slowly crept from the cold glass and clung to her skin. Her neck began to prickle as an involuntary shudder left her shivering. Leaning away, she continued to observe faces. Most wore expressions of contentment. Here and there were flashes of impatience and irritation, concern creased a forehead nearby, and weariness pulled down the edges of a mouth further away. Every face bore some form of readable expression. They were all so simply interpreted--easily understood.

Wait. The girl's attention was instantly focused. There...in the rearview mirror, a pair of dark blue eyes returned her gaze evenly from a pale, thin face. The girl's sharp intake of breath surprised herself as she continued to study the stranger's countenance. It bore an unmistakably haunted emptiness, but the eyes swirled with unassurance, as if each moment issued a new revelation in its reign.

Suddenly, they dulled as comprehension swept in like a storm and slammed the glirl mercilessly against the barren shore of harsh reality. She felt herself lost to its undertow as she closed her eyes, surrendered, and sank back into the blackness.

The face belonged to her.

Alright

2006-01-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well--today was alright I suppose. The recital went well (besides the part where Alexander decided to express his overflowing excitement concerning the fine arts) and I'm glad we don't have school tomorrow. We do have a game however, so my joy is extremely limited. Besides a very amusing trip to the purdue library (in which half the class decided to play hide and seek) this really cool "Wonka donut" that i ate after reader's theater practice (why do all my daily reflections involve food?), and the usual joys of a school day--today wasn't exactly exciting. I'm glad we get a break.
You know how random people that want to sound philosophical and intellectual will ask you an even more random question just for what they think is "positive attention"? Like overused discussions about the soul, afterlife, chess, distant galaxies, or dating? These people generally don't care what you think and are usually so involved in giving you their invaluable opinion that they don't give you a chance to reply or listen to your answer. One of these questions is : What one thing would you wish for given the opportunity? (And for all you original smarties--wishing for more wishes doesn't count.) Well I finally know my answer--and it sounds really corny/sappy/phycospiritual--but I'm telling you anyway.
I wish that somehow, Jesus Christ could take the form of a 17 year old highschool student at Faith Christian School and be my best friend. Obviously, I'm perfectly aware that he's "always there," and "already my best friend," but that's what I wish for. Maybe someday I'll feel like providing some kind of attempt at an explanation, but for now, I just wish it. Desperately.
Anyway--until next time!

No Explanation

2006-01-19T18:51:00.000-08:00

She held her breath as anger exploded within--bright flashes of orange and yellow behind closed eyes. It was hopeless...pointless. There was no relief in lame attempts of explanation and no joy in allowing it to fester and infect every inch of her soul. She kept her eyes closed and slowly inhaled. The spots faded, leaving behind only a dizzying blackness. Was this what death felt like? The internal explosion seemed to have swept everything away into unsurvivable disarray. All that was left felt like a black hole--an inexplicable threat that seized and swiftly executed the slightest stray thought. And so she sat unmoving, unfeeling, unwilling to search the overwhelming blackness any longer. But it enveloped her like a heavy blanket--the harder she struggled to escape, the tighter it seemed to twist around her. The heavy folds of nothingness suffocated her cries as she choked on the tears that forced themselves down her face unbidden. Oh well, she thought. At least no one can see me here......

2006-01-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...
Today was basically an incomprehensive whirl. I'm not depressed, drained, or devoid of happiness, but I feel like the day was unfinished and unsatifactory...although I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. (For those of you who understand what I mean--congratulations) Anyway, I worked with the elementary kids on their FABA poetry selections and had a lot of fun. They're hilarious and so easy to impress! I kissed my brother in front of the whole six grade class (Stephen then staggered around the room with his arms up and a huge smile across his face--fluttering his eyelashes and taking advantage of the attention) meriting myself instantaneous popularity and "awesomeness" with all his friends.
Later, I fixed easy-mac (mac-and-cheese) and officially deigned it the most beautiful 4 min. meal I've ever eaten. I don't know what makes it so good--but it was definately a bright spot in my day!
And speaking of bright spots, Mr. Lambeth brought his "wind up flashlight" to Physics and amused himself with it while we asked random questions about the solar system. I've (surprisingly) discovered that I actually like talking about planets and other such things. For some reason, outer space and stars and moons and meteors fascinate me. It's really weird because there's definately nothing remotely romantic about the solar system. (Maybe I should say...universe...does that sound more sentimental? Or...the heavens...more poetic?) Anyway...my latest obsession is with the sun. Did you know that it's all gas? I didn't. I think it would be so cool to be able to actually see it up close (without dying). I also think a space trip would be awesome and an (as Mr. Lambeth calls it) untethered space walk would have to top all other entertainment.
I really don't know why I feel so funny today--Every feeling I have contradicts itself 3 seconds later, and I feel like I have a ton of unconcentrated energy..........(3 seconds have gone by) but am soooo tired I could cry and wipe out.
But instead of doing that, I am going to wait until American Idol comes on and then truly enjoy myself. Have I ever mentioned that I like that show? It's the best. And I love Simon Cowell.

He's so clever and is never caught off guard or at loss for words. He can make any argument or conversation go his way, is never intimidated and never backs down. He takes whatever he's given and makes it what he wants.
And he has an accent----sigh!
Anyway...this post is starting to become embarassing and I'm sure I'll regret publishing later, so I think I'll get up and do something productive (like eat food)
I love you world!
I love you sun!
I love you random elementary children!
And I love you Simon!

need...to...breathe!

2006-01-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

Mercy me Hightower! (as my grandfather used to say) Can't get up to stir the gravy!
Yeah...things have been sooo crazy! With all the spirit week work (skit and banner and costumes and "spirit") and spirit week complications (the Juniors all hate our guts even though we love them and just want to make this week fun), play practice, cheerleading practice, homecoming, scholarships, random spanish assignments, upcoming Senior thesis, babysitting, and general confusion...I feel like I could just lay down in the middle of the hall and stare at the ceiling as people walk around (and over) my soon-to-be-dead body.
Last night we didn't get home from the game until 11:30. It was pretty rough. Their cheerleaders definately had a different style of cheering, (it would have been way cooler than us, but they were horrible at it...) yelled at our guys during our free-throws,(Miss it, miss it, oh oh oh!--a certain nameless coach suggested we run over there, yell "miss this!" and hit them in the face, but we decided against it.) made fun of our cheers, and had a general attitude issue. Anyway--to top it off, some random old guy parked himself right in the middle of the line of cheerleaders and made clear his annoyance with our presence. This, I must say, ticked me way off. I mean, it's not like he was sitting there and we invaded his little space, WE were there and HE placed his annoying self in our territory. Besides, we were trying to be nice and gave him like, a 4 foot clearing on both sides. It's not like we wanted to surround him and obstruct his view! Grr... But he kept making comments like "Excuse me ladies, do you MIND if I watch the game?" He even told the ref to make us move--as if HE could do anything about it! And it's not like he was some sweet old man who had weak eyesight because he'd dedicated his life to copying the Bible in the dark. He was just a sour old grump.
There were positive aspects to the game though i guess, i ate a container of cotton candy and 5 cookies...
a little later--okay, i just totally scared myself to death! I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave (carmel apple!) and forgot about it. So here I am ready to type, waiting for inspiration to flow through my fingers when all of a sudden, I hear loud noises coming from the kitchen. As I'm sure some of you know, I not exactly "at ease" when I'm alone in a house, so my first inclinations were those of self-defense. I grabbed the phone and a pencil(?) and made my way slowly out of the office. It was only when I was frozen at the office door, when my brain remembered the popcorn.
I felt pretty dumb.
Anyway, I got a new leather coat, my popcorn is ready to be devoured, and my spirits have been strangely revived.
Until next time!

long time no see...

2006-01-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't really have a lot of time to write, my eyes are drifting shut, and my head is swimming with all the things I need to get done, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am alive (although a little worse for wear) and opt to remain so. Today I worked on scholarships and competition essays and homecoming responsibilities and...I forget. That seems to be my mind's general response to stress. It shuts...down......com--ple--tely.
Anyway, I finally got a dress for Homecoming today, so that's one thing checked off the list. Also, I think Spirit Week is finally coming together, we only have 18 games of cheerleading left, there are 4 and 1/2 months left till graduation, and as far as I know I still possess 50% of my sanity.
Anyway again, I just want to get this final (or fatal!) stretch of school finished!
And Anyway for the final time, my thoughts are slightly scattered right now, so I'll have to catch up with everyone later...
Goodnight.

the new year

2005-12-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

Well, probably like every other blogger currently posting, I am dedicating this entry to the New Year. I might even add a few New Year's resolutions if I'm feeling exceptionally cliche. Ahhh...New Year celebrations bring back lots of memories. I probably only remember the past New Year parties because they were the only times I was allowed to stay up until midnight. We would usually have some family with us, crowd around our little tv to watch the ball drop on Time Square, drink sparkling white grape juice from plastic wine glasses, and scream, dance around, and pop balloons to welcome the new year. Usually at least one kid would have fallen asleep on the couch, and we merited the joy of shaking them awake and dumping them on the floor so that they could enjoy the holiday too.
And I know, half of you reading this are shaking your solemn heads and thinking, "It's just another day--so what if it's part of 'the new year' (Ooooh i can just hear the sarcasm dripping in your voice!) It's no different than anyother day--it's just a date change...we don't celebrate every night when the date changes, blah, blah, blah...)
Well, stop shaking your heads all you party poopers! Of course it's just a date change and a new day...but it's a chance to celebrate! An excuse for a longer school vacation! An opportunity for parties and friends! (and Joe--if you mention anything about drinking in your comment for this entry, I WILL erase it!)
Anyway...I think all the New Years activities are cool! The festivities on TV, the entertainment at home, the race between all the determined pregnant women laboring fiercly to deliver the "first baby of the year." You know, all that good stuff. Someday I'm going to be at Market Square for the New Year. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to see it myself. Being all bundled up, crammed among thousands of happy people and being able to breath in all the excitement; the music, the noise, the lights, the shouting, the countdown, the moment of silence as the ball drops, and the following cheers and laughter...sigh...someday.
Well, we're actually having company tonight, but they still haven't shown up. On a random trail--my mother got me a phone today for my room. I'm glad. It's not a cell phone, but it's definately appreciated. It seems like everytime I'm comfortable doing something, the phone rings. And since no one else in my family believes in answering the phone and my mom turned the answering machine off, it just rings and rings and rings until I force myself out of my comfort and run upstairs, finally grabbing the phone and practically shouting, "Hello?!" while gasping for breath.

But it doesn't bother me or anything.

Hmmm...I should probably go soon. I'm house/dog sitting for someone in the neighboring neighborhood (?) and the poor dog is probably jumping around and holding himself waiting for me to take him out.
But anyways, Happy New Year! Use this time to reflect on everything you've done, and consider new avenues down which you may travel in search of future success. (Whoo--wasn't that inspiring?) Actually, just be happy and make this new year the best one ever!!!
Love you all!

Oh yeah--tonight my Dad randomly announced to us that he felt compelled to spend money, and left to go shopping with Mom. They came back with surround sound...Wahoooo!

Wahoo!

2005-12-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Wasn't today heartlifting? I walked to my grandmother's house this morning to greet my cousins and found myself smiling uncontrollably. It wasn't the usual smile either. It wasn't a smirk, or a grin, or a polite stretch of the upper lip. It was absolute and inexplicable happiness! I don't know if it was the bright sunshine, or the blue sky, or the receding drifts of snow...but I smiled and did something I'd never conciously done before. (Brace yourself!) I walked in the middle of the road. On purpose. Which of course is not really a big deal when you live in a small, practically immobile neighborhood--but for some reason I extracted an unusual amount of pleasure in such a small change in routine.
And now that everyone thinks I'm losing it...
My cousins actually came over last night (Lauren, Derek, and Mallory). We all met for supper at my grandmother's, then laughed, and talked as usual as Stephen and Derek wrestled eachother to the death.
After several short lived wrestling matches, we all decided to move on to something more fun...cheerleading! I know, it sounds weird. But ever since the beginning of this year, my little cousin Mallory has been obsessed with cheers, tumbling, and stunting. (Hehe--to my great joy and her father's slight annoyance.) Derek actually likes the tumbling and stunting (good use of his "impressive" muscles), and Lauren watches and laughs. After a while, we actually did get Mallory into a prep, and Derek managed some sort of cool summersault thing that he believed merited him the title of gymnast.

Soon however, interest waned, and we began another sport...something along the lines of "everyone jump on top of Rebecca"

If I look a little thinner or my eyes bulge out when we meet again after break, the above picture should offer sufficient explanation. (Yes, that is me on the bottom, and yes, I was experiencing breath loss and minimal amounts of sheer terror.
Anyway, today they were with us until 12 when they went to visit their other side of the family. They should be back by now though.
Sigh. I'm hungry. I worked at Aruna's house for about an hour today--just cleaning and stuff--but when I left I felt tired and...well, hungry. Hmmm. I would like to continue writing but I can't think of much else to say.
Oh yeah...(to Tirzah if you even read my blog) Do you remember that little turtle hoodie you wore in like, 7th grade? Well, I used to give all the clothes that wouldn't fit me to Lauren. Now, of course, she's about the same size as me and all those old clothes went to Mallory. When she walked in wearing your hoodie today I thought it was funny so I took a picture.

It is SO WEIRD to think of how long ago that must have been. (And how small we were!) It's hard to believe how much time has passed. (Don't worry, I'll save my long, melodramatic monologue on the incomprehensible flight of time for another post.)
Sigh again.
It's been a nice day. I hope spring comes early this year! As I've ranted so many times before, I HATE winter! I don't really care for fall either, everything get so cold and dies. Some people think it's beautiful, but I find it very bleak and depressing. I mean, yes the leaves are nice colors, but they're dying for goodness sake! Their little supply of life is cut off so that they "suffocate" and fall. Sure, red and yellow are nice colors...but when a choking person turns blue (or purple) from lack of oxygen, no one stops by the victim and says, "O! What a lovely shade of blue!" or "I just love watching the colors change!" Ummm...anyway, I much prefer the warmth and life of summer. I love not having to waddle outside in eighteen different layers only to find snow in my boots or that my nose has frozen solid. I like Christmas, ice skating, and snow days in the winter but that's it. I'd take t-shirts, shorts, swimming pools, and a tan any day. And for those of you who say, "But people would get tired of having the same season if it was always summer!" I would reply, "Right, that's why all the people who can vacation in Florida during the cold season."
Sure, my opinions concerning seasonal differences are very strong. (as they are concerning any debatable topic) But if you happen to like winter or fall, I still love you. To each his own I suppose. And now that my post has surpassed all normal lengths and has thereby labeled me as a psycopath with no life, I'm leaving.
So goodbye, and enjoy the rest of this very pleasant day!

Merry Belated Christmas!

2005-12-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

Although it's techinically not Christmas anymore (it's past midnight) I would still like to share my lasting Christmas joy with everyone. Yes, it went beautifully, and it seems strange that what I've anticipated all month ended so quickly.
After attending church in the morning, my family and the Chintalapudis ate a very extensive Christmas meal that was yummy.
Then we all talked and watched tv while the food expanded in our stomachs and was transformed into extra bodyweight. Eventually, we got around to opening presents, and made it last as long as possible. I got tons of jewelry, some clothes, random accessories to make me beautiful, and other useful things that I don't feel like listing right now. Oh yeah, and all us kids were given mattress pad heaters and winter hats and coats and robes because my father has announced that he is turning off the heat in the house when our guests leave.
After gifts, we all resumed our laziness and watched more tv. Eventually, we were pried from our seats and instructed to apply ourselves to constructive activity. I cleaned my room and talked with the girls. Later on, around 11pm we decided to sporadically dress up and take eachothers' pictures. It was fun and accompanied by many "adventures."

Well this part of the post keeps getting deleted, so I give up and say goodbye!
Merry Christmas!

falalalala..lalalala

2005-12-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...After getting to bed at an unspeakable hour of the night, I have risen above the suffocating aura of sleepiness and am now dying for something to do. My parents and our guests (Dr. and Mrs. Chintalapudi--get your tongue around that one!)are laughing excessively in the kitchen.

My mom is trying to learn how to knit so she can make little furry scarves for people. Mrs. Chintalapudi is also knitting, making fun of herself (and mom) while making faces at the men and pretending to be insane. (Her husband is a neurologist).

I know the whole "knitting" thing makes them sound weird, but they're actually pretty cool. Funny anyway. Meanwhile, the house is practically shaking with the sound of Jono and Nikita trying to top oneanother's piano skills. They started out taking turns, but now they're playing their different songs on the same piano at the same time.

They get along pretty well--a match made in heaven if you ask me. The same cannot be said for Stephen and Nainisha. Right now they're playing chess quietly, but I give them 5 minutes to become engaged in a heated argument. (This is definately the only use of the word engaged that will ever be accurate concerning them.)Nainisha is only 11 (younger than Stephen) but is in 7th grade (smarter than Stephen)This of course, is all that's needed to create animosity between them.

Everything they do is a competition, and I'm sure they keep tally of their victories. Anyway, I used to play a lot with the girls, but now there is such an age difference that I'm not quite sure what to do. I do their hair every morning, tell them stories, draw pictures for them, and (choke) even play games with them. (For those of you who are not aware of my platform on games--go hit your head against a brick wall and you will experience a small fraction of my pain when forced to participate in such activities.)
But they seem to be enjoying themselves and keeping entertained, so it's all good. I'm getting excited about tomorrow for the first time this month, and I'm wearing 5 brand new gold (not REAL gold) bracelets that jingle when I move and make me happy.
Is this blog getting more random or am I imagining things?
Anyway...I'll probably write more today so goodbye for now! (And never, never allow your possible future children to take piano lessons.)

Oh yeah!

2005-12-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well, today was exciting and adventurous. In celebration of Adrienne's birthday, she, her sister, her mother, and I journeyed to Indianapolis for lunch at the Spaghetti factory and a major shopping expedition. Besides laughing (and giggling) our heads off the whole time (all of us--especially her mom) and embarassing ourselves over and over again, we had so much fun! Hilary and I took tons of pictures and we all felt very uninhibited walking around downtown among strangers. We rode the escalators numerous times, pressed all the elevator buttons for the following riders' convenience, (accidentally pushed the emergency button), got kinda yelled at for making faces at the "security camera" in the pay machine in the parking garage, and posed with the plastic models on those little platforms in the stores. We had fun. It was really just what I needed after all this Christmas hassle and exam junk and overload of seriousness. Sigh. We got coffee on the way home and I can still feel it working. But that's okay. When I do finally get to sleep--I will be happy.
Anyway...
After we got back to Adrienne's house, I colored her hair. It's pretty dark but it looks really good. We were gonna take pictures and stuff but I had to get home...we have some Indian friends that live in North Carolina that came to stay with us over the holidays--and I figured I should probably be there to hang out with them.
So I say so long, farewell, and goodnight! Don't smoke, don't drink, and don't ever glue carpet to your car.

Moving on

2005-12-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't been very faithful in writing recently, but I haven't exactly felt compelled to. Naturally, I've been incessantly busy with Christmas preparations, Christmas decorations, Christmas guests, Christmas food, and (dun dun dun) CHIRSTMAS PICTURES. Before I continue, I would like to establish 3 things.

#1 Chris is physically incabable of smiling for a camera.

#2 Stephen is in that blessed stage of life in which he believes himself to cool to smile.

#3 Jono....well he's just weird.

Anyway, to make a very long story short, we decided to do our own pictures at home this year. We ended up taking over 30, (Over a 45 minute time-span lengthened by the usual laughter, threats, subsequent tears and surrender.) but after looking at all of them, we decided to try again the next day. So we did. Now really, I don't mind Christmas pictures. I mean, whatever, get it over with, no big deal. I cooperate. I try my hardest to smile and be a shining role model for my brothers. So naturally, it made me want to scream and cry when I saw my parents picture choice. In the picture, my brothers look great. The camera accomplished a miracle and they look fine. However, this is also the ONE picture in which I look completely horrible. Would this not bother you? I was the only one who actually tried to look nice-and....grrr.
O well I suppose. I guess I'm just beginning to share a certain friend's pes simistic view of the jolly season.

Well--I wanted to share a few of my favorite shots from the Christmas pictures with you, but my computer is absolutely obsolete and can't manage so difficult a task. I wish there was a way to insult the computer. Make it partake in the grief it allows me to suffer. Inflict pain on its little memory box. (or whatever it is that makes it run)

Anyway...

I think my supply of happy juice is running low and I'm typing a little more forcefully than usual so---

Merry Christmas.

Added Later 12/24:
HAHAHAHAHA I GOT IT TO WORK!!! Please enjoy.

And my personal favorite...

No Explanation

2005-12-21T23:07:00.000-08:00

When the cool air finally dried the flow of tears that burned wet trails down her face, she released her breath and lay still...her senses dulled by the recent emotional eruption. Seeing the black mascara stains on her pillow, she paused a moment before flipping it over and patting it back into shape. Mascara stains. Crying hadn't helped at all. Then again--had she really expected it to?
With a silent sigh, she pulled her sheets to her chin, seizing what little comfort they offered her current state of mind. Exhausted emptiness began its merciless assault on intellect and reason, but only vaguely dulled the unameable ache that clouded her heart. Relentless, it procured no means of release. There was no one who could understand, though a few would try, and sharing the ache only made it more definate. Yet, keeping it to herself only allowed it to grow...
It was pointless really, thinking about it, talking about it. Neither "solution" would bring about true resolution. Besides, it didn't always bother her--distraction came easily enough, and she had all she needed to smile.
But time and time again, the same desperate ache returned at the slightest provocation, each time wielding new pains and immpossible wishes. The awareness of her place in reality was daunting and desolate. Was it wrong to wish for more? Wrong to wish for something better when she already had so much? Was it wrong to consider the possibility that there could be more?
Another sigh pentrated the ironic stillness of the night. The girl curled up tighter--almost angry with herself. Her pains were no different than anyone else's. They revolved around the same issues that everyone experiences at least once in a lifetime. She had a good family, good friends, and a promising future...so why did the tears fall so easily?
When her eyes closed, the countless questions bled together into an incomprehensive swirl. As her breathing slowed and steadied, she finally dismissed the last traces of coherrent thought from her mind--surrendering at last to the overwhelming emptiness of dreamless sleep...

Wow

2005-12-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why people talk to you?
I mean really, every new year of your life you're convinced that you've got it together. Every year you pull out the last year's photographs, laugh, and say, "I can't believe I was such a loser." Every year you're convinced that THIS will be your best year--and you're ready to take it on full of the confidence that no one could possibly look down on you now. I remember when I got my first pair of flaired jeans. I was shopping with Tirzah at the Castleton mall in Indy. (Whoa, weren't we cool?) I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was on top of the world. I felt so good about myself that I spent 15 dollars of my birthday money (that totaled 20) on a yellow shirt that Tirzah said was cool too. Of course, after buying these things, I changed into them immediately. I remember bouncing past people, feeling like a new person. I just knew that those jeans were my key to acceptance and therefore, happiness.
I really thought that.
I wore those jeans until the knees turned white--and then, still not willing to part with them, I would color the knees blue with a marker after every wash. However, soonafter I began getting clothes from other people, and those jeans were quickly forgotten. I rediscovered them about a year later and tried them on, only to find that they were unmistakably highwaters. I was shocked. Indignant. Horrified, mortified, and appalled! I hadn't gotten any taller and the jeans were the same as they'd been before--but all of a sudden what had made me feel so cool before now offended my much more cultivated fashion sense.

Um anyway...

Back to the "do you ever wonder why people talk to you?" question. My answer would be yes. And maybe after this pointless entry (and frightening picture) you'll wonder why you talk to me.

Memories...sigh!

current status

2005-12-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

Well-i am currently munching carrot and celery sticks to my heart's delight. I basically spent the whole day in bed with a large water bottle (or "cistern" as it is fondly referred to) a heating pad, pain medication, and my faithful box of tissues. I feel a little better now. I guess I don't have enough "proof" that this is another kidney problem to be seen by a doctor--so i'm basically just waiting until their is some. Anyway, I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because I was miserable. (You know that feeling, where you roll around a moan out loud just to hear yourself?) So I stayed home and took medicine. I got to sleep, but it wasn't exactly a break. Naturally, it was the worst day for me to be absent--i was supposed to go somewhere this morning with Mrs. Leffew, i missed my morning meeting with my the girl that i mentor, I had an english project and a spanish presentation due, I had an FMT performance, and i had a game. Amazing--huh? You don't realize how much you're involved in or that depends on you until you stop moving. I wonder what it would be like to not be involved in anything? Don't get me wrong, I like doing things and being comfortably "busy," but for just one week...to not have any obligations or "prior commitments," as they're titled quite frequently at my house. It makes me laugh when 7th and 8th graders complain about how much they have to do. I mean, seriously, i'm not the busiest person in the world, but i only have one free night of the week. And that's excluding homework and projects and games and performances and meetings and last minute calls for my assistance. Like I said, I'm not exactly complaining--just indulging in a few wistful, idealistic, unrealistic, sentimental wonderings.
And i completely rabbit trailed.
I'll probably be at school tomorrow just so I can make everything up before finals. Besides, i wouldn't want to overly defile my perfect attendance record. *sniff
So even though I wasn't at school, i thought about it all day. I missed my romantic musings with adrienne and fall-over-laughing-moments with Emily. I missed the random stories from Luke and co., making fun of Jordan, and yes...I think i even missed the sing-alongs with Jared. (and no-i don't actually sing along, but what else do you call random, non-stop singing!?) Yes, yes, I missed you all.
Sigh. My carrot and celery serving has been long depleted. I don't know why i was eating them. I think it's one of those subconcious habits. When you get sick, you automatically begin to do everything that is labeled healthy, however irrelevant it may be.
I missed my brothers' christmas program tonight. It made me sad. They both actually wanted me to come, and Jono had his own solo. Anyway...you can tell i didn't really talk to anyone today because i'm rambling pointlessly. I think being forever depraved of social activity and intelligent conversation would kill me.

Wilson thinks so too.

Goodnight everyone. Send a little prayer up for me if you think of it.
Oh yes--and thank you to those who brought me cookies. that was nice of you. (popcorn would also be appreciated) Actually i'm just kidding. Eating hasn't exactly been my most favorite experience today...

Mmmm

2005-12-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

I feel much better now. I still felt a little funny this morning, but now i think i'm back to being as close to normal as i can get. I just ate two chocolate poptarts in celebration, and am now putting off work on my english project. And speaking of food, i've decided that i definately do not support the production of wheat bread. My mother sent me to the grocery store about a week ago (now that i can drive i'm taken advantage of) to pick up two loaves of bread. I, being the naturally thrifty and wise shopper that i am, performed my usual routine of comparing prices, brands etc. In the end, i was sure i had found the best deal--wheat bread. Not only was it on sale, the slices were huge, and the nutritional value impressive. As I selected a couple loaves, i could just see the pleased praising look on my mothers face as i presented my findings. Well-she wasn't even home when i got back, but my confidence remained undaunted...until this morning. Still feeling a little sick, i moped through my morning habits, finally opening the pantry to see what looked good for breakfast. After a few seconds, i decided on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, selecting the aforementioned wheat bread. I don't know what i was thinking that day at the store. Not only does wheat bread have the consistency of leather, and require a muscular chewing system to--well--chew it, the little grains that weren't fortunate enough to make it into the dough before it was cooked just sit on top---little white things that look a lot like mold. Anyway, being a self-proclaimed non-picky eater, i ate half of the sandwich before losing my appetite. Unfortunately, because of my good shopping skills, there are two whole huge loaves left in the cupboard, just waiting for me. I guess there was a reason it was on sale. Other shoppers--let my example stand as an unfortunate warning to you! Don't be drawn into the trap set for you by malicious store owners who prey on your innocence!
Umm...anyway...yeah. I feel much better now and probably should work on my project. I wonder if there's any chance of a delay tomorrow? hmm. Right now i'm in the computer room and my dad is sleeping on the little bed behind me. I'm counting down seconds till he wakes himself up with his snoring. He's got some pretty wicked nasal power.
Well-everyone enjoy the last moments of your weekend and be good.

blah

2005-12-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

Well-since i'm bored and absolutely miserable, i figured it was the perfect time to publish a depressing poem. It pretty much sums up those days that you feel invisible, or like you're on the other side of the glass watching life in slow motion. I obviously don't feel like this all the time, just took advantage of the emotional low. I wanted to post a picture with it--but i can't figure out how. Any help would be appreciated.
Anyway...here goes nothing.

All that seemed so clear is quickly fading,
All that looked so bright is rendered dark,
All that you thought strong begins to crumble,
You stumble and collapse short of the mark.

The sunlight in the distance disappears,
In the haze you wander cold and numb,
Voices reach your ears but they mean nothing,
And slowly, the tears begin to come.

The world hurries along outside your window,
You're left behind, alone, can only sigh,
You force a smile and wave, but those that pass you,
Can't hear your spirit crying, soon to die...

Whimper

2005-12-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

Uggg. That's what i feel like now. Last night i felt kindof sick, but i felt a little better this morning....for about 5 minutes. I took my brothers out to eat and then to see the Chronicles of Narnia--for a while the fun (and the popcorn) was distracting enough to make me forget my discomfort. But I feel horrible again. I can't sleep or read or anything! It makes me want to curl up and die. Or amputate my stomach or something. I'm not like, nauseous sick, my stomach just hurts...This practically is the one year anniversary of my last hospital visit--not a very encouraging reminder. Grrr...the most annoying thing is that it won't go away. I cope with pain pretty well, but this is NONSTOP. Anyway--i was gonna go to Jordan's house with some other people, but i'm afraid i wouldn't be the most pleasant company. Well-now that I've sucessfully failed in distracting myself once again and feel so much better...Uggggg again.

Snow day!!!

2005-12-09T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm soooo excited! School was actually cancelled for the 7 inches of snow that fell last night! For those of you who know Faith Christian School, snow days are few and far between. But anyway, the phone rang and 6:00 this morning and I JUST KNEW IT!! You have no idea how satisfactory it is to roll over and go back to sleep, to get up in pjs and slippers and take your sweet time eating a nice breakfast when normally the entire morning is miserably rushed. The nice thing too, is that today's friday, so the weekend is extended. I definately needed a break. Everyone at school's been getting restless, and no one want's to be there anymore. Naturally the winter months start to drag, and the work is piled on, and everyone bumps down the halls out of habit to continue his existence. When the snow started falling yesterday afternoon, everyone crowded around the window to stare at it like kindergarteners. I am typically pretty anti-snow (or any form of cold) but I could have jumped out the window--I felt so happy. Later on, practices and a choir performance were cancelled, and I thought I would scream! I think I started to, but my art teacher didn't share my joy, or appreciate my expression of it. (Sigh!) Well, I'm supposed to be working on scholarships right now--since we don't have school, my mom thinks that I should do all the other work that I hate doing. But tomorrow, I'm taking my little brothers to go see Chronicles of Narnia. I read all those books when I was little and thought they were the greatest thing, so I'm curious to see if they'll like it. They're already excited as it is--they hardly ever get to go see movies and stuff. Last time I went out with my friends, my brother cried, so I promised him we'd do something later. I feel all wierd, driving them around and stuff. I wonder what it would be like to have an older sibling that could take me places. I wonder if they even relate to me at all?
Moving on...
School's been alright lately. Luke gave me a rose yesterday with a note all about stress that made me smile. He's a nice boy. I guess I've been acting funny at school. It's just that I feel so many things at once, and I can't say them all, so I close up and put on my normal "school face." It seems like I can't control my feelings anymore. I know what's right, and I know what's true, but in spite of all my attemps to act intelligently, it seems like I always say the wrong thing or make a complete idiot about myself. Hmmm...
Another weird thing, my old neighbor just called to tell us that her daughter just had her baby. I'ts weird to think about because I remember when her daughter used to babysit me! She was only 15 then, and we used to tease her all the time about her boyfriend and getting married and stuff. To think about her with her own baby blows my mind! I'm older than she was when she babysat me--how long until I'm in her position? (obviously assuming a lot)
Time is so incomprehensible. To think that every word I type and every moment I use to pause and think is one less moment I have until I breath my last... It makes certain parts of life seem longer, but for the most part, days fly by.
And speaking of flying--an entire flock of migrating birds just decided to rest in the tree outside my window. Which means a lot of noise and...well, the snow underneath the tree is no longer that "romantic sparkling white."
Happy snow day!

Whatever

2005-11-19T10:47:00.001-08:00

Well-It figures. I finally have a free second to breathe and actually get some work done, and I waste it typing and watching my thoughts appear on a screen for everyone to see and criticize. Oh well. I haven't blogged in forever, but everytime I check all of my friends blogs, I'm reinspired to write everyday. (Very short-lasting resolution) Not to mention that I have nothing to write about. This morning I got up at 7:30 and headed over to school (this IS a Saturday!) for play practice, cheerleading practice, and a game. I'm not complaining but I'm glad it's over. Last night Chris, Jordan, Jared, Adrienne, and I went over to Steak and Shake around 10:30. Chris and Jared messed with their rubics cubes the whole time, contributing comment everyonce in a while concerning the fruit in their shakes and "bloody boogers." Yeah. Jordan just sat there as Adrienne and I discussed romantic words, adding a few of his own to our surprise. Chris also ordered a random piece of bacon just for fun. They charged him like, 80 cents for it too! It was alright. Before that, Adrienne and I hung out at the mall where we were supposedly meeting the rest of the cheerleaders and Jordan and Jared. Basically we got there and found (to NO surprise) Erin and Hrefna talking on their cell phones, and everyone getting ready to leave. So we just hung out on our own with another friend. I didn't mind actually-it's more fun to hang out with only a few people. I got to know Natalie better, which was interesting. I guess she's having a rough time at school. But i think that she's a nice girl, and fun to be with. She seems really scared, or at least intimidated by other people, but she's not really shy. I think insecure would sum it up. Anyway...I really liked her and want to give her the chance to make life better.
Moving on...tonight we have a senior class party. Should be interesting if people actually show up! I'm not sure what we're doing, but Luke said that we were all learning how to line-dance, which sounds like lots of fun! I hope it goes well for his sake--I was a complete jerk to him last week, even though I'm still not sure why. Everyone of course naturally assumes that it was "that time" or something, but it wasn't.
Sigh. Well catch up with you later!

2005-11-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

[] I'm afraid of the quiet.
[x] I am really really really ticklish. *shhh*
[x] I'm afraid of the dark
[] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[x] I believe in true love
[] I've run away from home
[] i listen to political music
[] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when im sad (I usually end up spilling half the problem sooner or later though)
[] I open up to others easily. (I tell people stuff-but only a few know what I REALLY think)
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world. (sure)
[] I watch the news.
[] I own over 3 rap CDs. (stuuuupid!)
[] own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney movies.
[] I am a sucker for green and blue eyes. (I like dark ones best--the color of chocolate)
[] I don't kill bugs.
[] I curse regularly
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation
[] I like Spam.
[] I bake well (ask ANYONE about my baking experiences!)
[x] I have worn pajamas to class. (spirit week)
[] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[x] I have a job.
[] I love Dr. Phil
[x] I like someone.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS eVeN jUsT oNcE
[x] I am self-conscious. (who isn't every once in a while?)
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried alcohol
[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.
[] I have tried a cigarette.
[] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[] I loved Lord of the Flies
[] I have cough drops when I'm not sick (Yuck!)
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I have many scars
[x] I've been out of this country.
[x]I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (I practically hate spiders above all else--and cockroaches!)
[x] I love chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I am comfortable with being me.
[] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[] Gotten lost in the city.
[x]Seen a shooting star
[] Had a serious surgery. (Kidney stone?)
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[] Have kissed a stranger.
[] Hugged a stranger.
[] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[] Been in a fist fight.
[] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.
[] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] Made out in an elevator.
[] Swore at your parents.
[] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[] Been skydiving.
[] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] Bitten someone
[x] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[] Crashed into a car.
[] Been to Japan.
[] Ridden in a taxi.
[] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. (Junior High, my favorite.)
[] Stole something from your job.
[] Gone on a blind date.
[] had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] Been to Europe.
[] Slept with a co-worker.
[] Been married.
[] Gotten divorced.
[] Saw someone dying.
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day. (Probably--that's my dad's idea of the perfect vacation)
[x] Been to Canada.
[x] Been On A Plane.
[] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] Thrown up in a bar.
[x] Eaten Sushi.
[] Been snowboarding.
[] Been skiing.
[x] Been ice skating.
[x] Miss someone.
[x] Wish you could undo something.
[x] Cried in public.
[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have
[] Strongly dislike all feet except my own and a select few (Feet are disgusting!)

Back in the days...

2004-10-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Back in the days of childhood,
Of barefoot backyard bliss--
I recall the touch of sunshine,
And the breeze's ling'ring kiss.

Tucked behind a wooden fence,
I challenged life and smiled
'Till the day time's whirlwind passed,
And left behind no child--

But a pale and trembling girl,
Shaky steps unsure,
Eyes cast downward from the light
Each breath insecure.

The ground seemed so unsteady
My fence had disappeared.
Outside the cold world waited,
Unknown--it laughed and leered.

I blew a kiss behind me,
And surrended my last tear--
I finally took the step
That trampled my last fear.

Those sun-filled days I dream of,
In fond rememberance--
I know that I can ne'er return,
Nor would I, giv'n the chance.

The diagnosis...

2004-10-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Typically, I accept my issues as a part of life and do my best to make the most of them--but every once in an eternity an unavoidable issue surfaces. I've considered visiting a psychiatrist in the past, but quickly dismissed this idea by convincing myself that my problem isn't that serious. Just recently, however, I discovered a pamphlet entitled "Help for the Victim of Mental Insecurity and Peer Rejection Undergoing an Inadvertant Denial Phase." According to this document, I should admit that I have a problem (instead of diluting it) and face it "with the clear, loving help of an understanding and certified individual." I asked my friend what this meant, and she (with the strangest look!) told me to go see a doctor.

After recollecting my thoughts, I started to consider the idea. The pamphlet said that the first step to becoming a strong, confident, and self-secure individual was to "identify the problem." Easy enough--I have an obsession with detail. This is no doubt what I would be diagnosed with. I don't necessarily strive for perfection as a whole--as those who know me would be quick to inform you--but the slightest missarangement of obvious details has the potential to inflict anxious feelings of great urgency. My problem began in childhood, when my brother's block tower wasn't symetrical; continued through the trauma of junior high, (why didn't my eyebrows arch the same?); and still manifests itself today, (excuse me a moment--someone has evidently lost the proper cap belonging to my pen and has attempted to replace it with one of a different color.)
I'm certain my psychiatrist would have no difficulty in identifying this issue; especially after I've absent-mindedly polished his doorknob, straightened his rug, and adjusted his glasses--before calmly taking my seat. But then again--how does one correct such behavior? How is a higher standard for seemingly unimportant detail treated?

Besides--my problem isn't that serious.

On a lonely hillside...

2004-09-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

On a lonely hillside,
Waits a maiden fair,
The wind whispers her name
And lifts her golden hair.

Her gaze is unmoving,
Her chin tilted high,
Yet her lips tremble,
And surrender to a sigh.

As sunlight turns to shadow,
She does not turn away,
Held captive by the mem'ry--
of two eyes--their haunting grey.

The eyes of one who'd claimed her love
And with a charming smile,
Had promised--"I will come,
If you love me, wait a while."

But alas! He wandered far,
And fate--unmerciful,
Left her to desp'rate sorrow,
That soon consumed her soul.

With a broken heart, she tarried
Upon that lonely hill,
And seeking what's forever lost
Alone, she stands there still.

I thought I really needed...

2004-09-16T07:22:00.001-07:00

I thought I really needed to be like everyone else. I couldn't be myself--I mean, how unoriginal! Whether it was layers of black eyeliner dripping from bright blue eyelids, or pleading with my mother to let me chemically straighten my hair and highlight it--I wanted to do what everyone else was doing. It's strange as I look back--I was so afraid of what people thought, that I DIDN'T think about what I was doing. For example-does three colors of eyeshadow (blue, green, and brown) really look nice? (or like a nice bruise!) Does slimy slicked down curls really accomplish the straight and smooth trend? Was it worth the arguments about pants that "fit" only to be confronted in dress check?
I thought that once I looked, acted, and thought like everyone else I would be happy. I hurt my friends and lost even more confidence in the fact that I was a child of God with no need to fear men.
I think I finally realized my foolishness when I changed my life's priorities. I determined to be more "obsessed" with my spiritual life than with what I looked and felt like. As a result, I began watching different people, and realized that to "impress" them, all I had to do was be natural. Instead of spending hours in front of the mirror with a straightening iron, rehearsing what I would say to so-and-so, flipping my hair, and finding the right laugh; I started taking suggestions from those who knew more than me, and re-evaluating my desires. Instead undergoing mental stress and emotional trauma (Ah-Junior high years!) over the fact that I wasn't the most popular and beautiful, I learned to laugh at myself, and made it my goal to make others comfortable around me--so that they could learn (as I did) that they don't need to be like everyone else.

The advantages of being royalty

2004-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

Royalty. Just speaking the word brings jewel encrusted tiaras and white silk gloves instantly to mind. A princess has all she wants at her manicured fingertips, and is naturally destined to meet prince charming, fall in love, and live happily ever after. What more could you ask for? To wake underneath a silver canopy, slip into long, shimmery dresses and have countless handmaidens quietly making you beautiful...
Without question, you would reside in the highest, most romantic turret of your ancient castle, and would spend most of your day in voice and etiquette lessons--learning how to sit straight and sweep gracefully and purposefully into a room. The remainder of your day, you would either stare wistfully out your bedroom window, or climb down the long vines encircling the walls in a moment of unregretted weakness--at last touching the mossy ground in slippered feet and retreating into the cool shade of the surrounding forest. There (thanks to your voice lessons) you would sooner or later find true love and be swept away in fairy tale bliss. Not to mention the adventures you'd experience--gold-hoarding dragons, evil magicians, moldy dungeons and--have I mentioned prince charming?
Of course, on a serious note, the benefits of living in such an influential position are undeniable. The responsibility to your people, and the duty to your crown both hold potential advantage for you and your kingdom if held in high and honest regard.
...and did I mention prince charming?